What to Do If Your Partner Doesn't Want to Come to Couples Therapy

What to Do If Your Partner Doesn't Want to Come to Couples Therapy

By: Elena Kolomytseva, MS MFT (She/Her)

Life is an incredible journey, filled with twists, turns, and moments of profound growth. When challenges arise in our relationships, seeking support through couples therapy can be a transformative step. However, what do you do if your partner is reluctant or outright refuses to join you in therapy? As a therapist specializing in Trauma-Informed Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (TF-CBT) and Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), I've encountered this situation many times. Here’s some guidance on navigating this delicate scenario.

I. Understand the Hesitation

The first step is to understand why your partner is hesitant. Common reasons include:

1. Fear of Being Judged or Blamed: Therapy can feel intimidating, especially if one fears being singled out as the problem.

2. Stigma Around Therapy: Despite growing acceptance, some still view therapy as a sign of weakness or failure.

3. Previous Negative Experiences: Past encounters with therapy might have been unhelpful or even harmful.

4. Privacy Concerns: Sharing intimate details of your relationship with a stranger can be daunting.


II. Approach the Conversation with Compassion

When bringing up the topic of therapy, it's crucial to approach your partner with empathy and understanding. Here are some tips:

1. Choose the Right Moment: Find a time when you are both calm and unlikely to be interrupted.

2. Express Your Feelings: Use “I” statements to express your concerns. For example, “I feel like we’re struggling to communicate effectively, and I think therapy could help us.”

3. Avoid Blame: Frame therapy as a joint effort to improve the relationship, not as a way to fix your partner.

4. Highlight the Benefits: Explain how therapy can provide a safe space to explore issues, improve communication, and strengthen your bond.

III. Explore Alternatives

If your partner remains resistant, consider alternative approaches:

1. Individual Therapy: Start with individual therapy to work on your own feelings and strategies for improving the relationship.

2. Educational Resources: Books, podcasts, and online courses on relationship dynamics can be valuable tools.

3. Workshops and Seminars: Attend relationship workshops or seminars together, which can be less intimidating than therapy.

IV. Be Patient and Open

Change takes time, and it’s essential to remain patient and open to different paths of healing and growth. If your partner sees the positive changes therapy or other resources are bringing to your life, they might become more open to the idea of couples therapy.

V. Emphasize the Collaborative Nature of Therapy

In my practice, I emphasize a collaborative, compassionate, and deeply effective approach. Therapy is not about pointing fingers but about working together to access inner strength and resilience. Whether through traditional talk therapy, writing, or other modalities, our sessions are a space for curiosity, exploration, and growth.

VI. Consider Cultural and Individual Perspectives

As someone who specializes in working with multicultural couples and individuals, I understand the importance of cultural awareness and inclusivity. If cultural beliefs are influencing your partner’s reluctance, acknowledging and respecting these perspectives can be crucial in finding a way forward.

Final Thoughts

Navigating the complexities of a relationship can be challenging, especially when facing resistance to couples therapy. By understanding your partner’s concerns, approaching the conversation with empathy, and exploring alternative paths, you can take meaningful steps towards healing and growth. Remember, therapy is a journey of self-discovery and personal development, and every step, no matter how small, brings you closer to a vibrant and fulfilling life.

If you're ready to take the first step towards a brighter tomorrow, I'm here to support you every step of the way. Life is an incredible journey, filled with twists, turns, and moments of profound growth. Let’s embark on this journey together.

Photo by Alex Green: https://www.pexels.com/photo/unhappy-black-couple-sitting-on-bed-after-having-argument-5700170/

What Do I Do Outside of Therapy? Book Recommendations From a Therapist

What Do I Do Outside of Therapy?
Book Recommendations From a Therapist

By: Kate Hargadon, MFT

I often have clients ask me for book recommendations and so I decided to compile a brief list of current books I’m finding insightful and important. So much of our personal work happens outside of the therapy room, and books are a great place to start. I firmly believe healing and growth can be even more meaningful nestled within a community, so I encourage you to invite a friend, family member, or book club to read alongside you and to share insights together.

Enjoy!


When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chödrön  

This is the first book I recommend to someone who is sitting in the rubble aftermath of loss: losing love, losing what we knew to be true, losing security, losing a loved one. This is the book to pick up when you are crumpled on the kitchen floor crying it out and need to know what to do next. Pema Chödrön offers wisdom and guidance for navigating life's inevitable losses and invites us to embrace–rather than resist–the groundlessness, impermanence, and vulnerability of life. And that, maybe, it is in that groundless space that we really get to know ourselves.


All About Love by bell hooks  

Author bell hooks offers a radical rethinking of love in this book, challenging how modern society has defined, limited, and misidentified love. She reminds us that “to love well is the task in all meaningful relationships, not just romantic bonds.” This book has been a cornerstone for me and is a must read. 





Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller  

This book explores attachment theory and its implications for adult relationships, offering insights into how attachment styles influence communication, intimacy, and conflict resolution. This book is one of my first recommendations for clients that are wanting to better understand how their early life experiences impact how they show up in relationships. Becoming aware of and working with your attachment style can help us access the connection we so deeply crave. 



How You Do Anything is How You Do Everything: A Workbook by Cheri Huber

I used this workbook for the first time in grad school, and loved the ways it allowed me to engage with thoughtful questions in a simple, creative, and playful way. I recommend it for personal or group prompts and as a way to engage vulnerably with yourself and others!




Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski  

This book has been life-changing for so many of my clients. Emily Nagoski explores the science of female sexuality, debunking myths and offering practical advice for embracing one's unique sexual response and enhancing pleasure. Another must-read for anyone wanting to explore and expand their relationship to sex and pleasure.




How to Do Nothing: Resisting the Attention Economy by Jenny Odell  

In this book that is needed now more than ever, Jenny Odell challenges the culture of constant productivity and offers a compelling argument for reclaiming our attention and reconnecting with the world around us. An important read on resisting the capitalist narratives of efficiency above all else.



The Hurting Kind by Ada Limón  

As the 24th Poet Laureate of the United States, all of Ada Limon’s work is wonderful. Poetry can be a powerful conduit to feel our emotions and have our human experience mirrored back to us. I find immense power and healing for clients in the creative act of reading and writing their own art and poetry, and Ada’s work is a wonderful place to get inspired. 





Inciting Joy by Ross Gay  

A friend loaned me some of Ross Gay’s work during a time of transition when finding delight, gratitude, and joy was exactly what I needed. Ross’ essays celebrate the small moments of joy and wonder that enrich our lives, offering a poignant reminder to find beauty and gratitude in the everyday. I often revisit these essays when I need to be reminded, amidst the pain, what a delight it is to be alive.

Additional reading: Joy, Zadie Smith (Essay)



Maybe You Should Talk to Someone by Lori Gottlieb  

I am notoriously bad at finishing books and this one I read twice in a row! Lori Gottlieb shares insights from her work as a therapist and as a client, interweaving stories and reflections on the human condition and the therapeutic process. A fun and meaningful read. 






I’m Glad My Mom Died by Jennette McCurdy

This memoir is a hilarious and heartbreaking must read. Jennette McCurdy reflects on her time as a child actor, confronting issues like eating disorders, addiction, and a complicated relationship with her controlling mother. Jennette balances sharing her story with striking vulnerability and hilarious candor; highly recommend the audio book if you prefer to listen!




My Grandmother's Hands by Resmaa Menakem  

Resmaa Menakem explores the intergenerational trauma of racism and offers a healing path forward for humanity. This book is powerful and necessary. He offers embodied practices for facing our pain and the pain of others. “We will not end white-body supremacy - or any form of human evil - by trying to tear it to pieces. Instead, we can offer people better ways to belong and better things to belong to.”




How To Change Your Mind by Michael Pollan  

Michael Pollan investigates the therapeutic potential of psychedelics for treating trauma, depression, and other mental health conditions, offering a nuanced exploration of the science and culture surrounding these substances. I find this an important read as we balance the power of psychedelics in healing with the risk of colonizing something historically sacred. 




Good Inside by Dr. Becky Kennedy

Every parent I know comes to quickly love and feel supported by the work of Dr. Becky Kennedy. In this book, she offers anyone who has relationships to children invaluable guidance in parenting rooted in “connection over correction.” I appreciate the sturdy and empowering philosophy, insight, and strategies that Dr Becky offers parents. I am currently learning to incorporate this question into my work: “What is my most generous interpretation of what just happened?”




For book recommendations on depression, check out Myron Nelson’s book recommendations here!  https://www.howtobeaburden.com/learn-about-depression

Riding Emotional Tides

Riding Emotional Tides

By: Peter Bruce, M.A.

I am a famously terrible swimmer. Somewhere, hopefully never to be found, there is a home video of me in a speedo and floaties having a temper tantrum about jumping into the deep end of the pool and getting my head wet. 

So it makes complete sense that I now live in a Mexican beach town, and make the quick 7min from my apartment to work through this childhood trauma in the clear blue waters of the pacific ocean. Who knew healing your inner child could be so fun?

However, the Pacific ocean is not the deep end of my neighborhood pool. And while I may not need floaties anymore, I am still not the strongest swimmer out there. And two weeks ago, as I was enjoying a nice Saturday morning swim, I got caught in a rip current. There have been a record number of drownings this season, and I had recently seen someone go under right in front of me, with the lifeguard running in to try and save him. But unfortunately, he could not. 

Most drownings don’t occur because the rip current is so strong that it takes people out to sea and they can’t make it back ashore. And the rip current usually doesn’t pull you under. A rip current is natural, when the waves break on the shore they also have to recede back. Panic and the accompanying exhaustion are usually the culprits of drowning. The swimmer feels the tug of the rip current and they panic, feverishly trying to swim headlong into it, until they reach exhaustion. The best way out of a rip current is to let it take you out and then calmly and slowly swim at an angle to the left or right, and then you are back in calmer waters. 

Even though I knew all this, and have been stuck in rip currents in the past, I still panicked and started to exhaust myself as I felt the tide pulling me further and further from the beach. However, I caught myself early, and was able to calm myself down and stopped swimming against the current, and eventually made it back to shore with no harm, just mildly out of breath. 

Our emotions are like the currents of the ocean. We do not choose them, we cannot control them and often, they change in a moment's notice. Our emotions, like the tides, are controlled by a much greater force. We are simply the conduits through which they move.

The more we try to push down our emotions, the stronger they become, until eventually swallowing us whole. We cannot choose who we love or for how long, we did not choose that we might become angry at the drop of a hat, or are sad and on the verge of tears when we hear our favorite song. We cannot choose why or how certain things make us anxious, scared, depressed or even happy. But we can choose how we relate to them. 

When we get swept up in currents of shame and unworthiness it is best not to swim against them, we must learn to relax into them, and let them run their course, before calmly swimming out of it. When we feel the tides of a depressive episode begin to shift, trying to feverishly clean and organize ourselves out of it only leads to it lingering longer. This takes practice. 

Our emotions are messengers from the divine, a sign from mother nature that something is changing, that something is moving. A reminder that we are alive and a part of something much greater than our own neurosis and delusion. A reminder that life is a current, moving through us at all times. Maybe our emotions are remnants of a past storm, or a ripple effect from a storm far far away. Either way, our emotions will go just as they came, in their own time. When we fight them, or avoid them altogether, that is when they cause the most damage. When we relate to them with clarity and calmness, they tend to not destroy us. And in our best moments, we can even relate to our emotions with playfulness, compassion and joy, perhaps even learning something. When we relate to the ocean like this, we learn to surf, snorkel and splash. 

When we experience strong emotions it means that we are alive. It means that we are engaged in life. It means we have an opportunity to grow and learn and experience joy. Or we can let them ruin our day, or react to them and yell at our spouse. Or we can numb them with drugs and alcohol. Either way, the choice is ours. 

—————

Photo by Emiliano Arano: https://www.pexels.com/photo/waves-crashing-on-shore-14751450/

What's Love, Anyway?

What’s Love, Anyway?

By: Laura Hagen, LMFT

Love.  It consumes us.  We are driven to seek it, to give it, to create countless art forms in an attempt to capture and understand it.  For something that is so core to our experience as human beings, we are remarkably confused by it.  We lack a common understanding of what it means to love.  How many times have you seen someone stay in a harmful relationship because they insist that they love each other?  Maybe you’ve said this yourself, forging ahead with a partner who repeatedly hurts you or is even abusive towards you. How many times have you seen a parent mistreat their child and justify their actions because it is “out of love?”  Maybe you’ve used claims of love to rationalize or ameliorate your own damaging behavior towards another.  Most of us are not taught about love in a coherent or meaningful way, we intuit its meaning based on our instinctual drive to connect, what is demonstrated in our families, and what is portrayed in the media we consume.  With this shaky and wildly variable education, it’s no wonder so many of us end up questioning, lost, heartbroken.  

Author bell hooks offers us guidance in her book All About Love.  She pierces through the mess and illuminates a universal definition of love: “the will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth” (she borrows this part from psychiatrist M. Scott Peck), adding that  “to truly love we must learn to mix various ingredients–care, affection, recognition, respect, commitment, and trust, as well as honest and open communication.”  This definition emphasizes love as a verb, as something that we choose to do, rather than as something that happens to us if we’re lucky, or something that automatically exists if we happen to be related to someone.  By using this lens we can see proclamations of love as a responsibility; we are accountable to align our actions with our words.  She clarifies that “spiritual growth” need not be related to religious beliefs, rather it references the idea that within every human being is a life force, a soul, that thrives when in loving relationships with other human beings.  

Inherent in this definition is that genuine love cannot coexist with cruelty, abuse, or neglect (and by further extension, oppression).  Relationships can have some of the named ingredients, such as care or affection, but the presence of cruelty, abuse, or neglect violate the core tenets of what it means to love.  This can lead to a great deal of discomfort for those of us who grew up in families where mistreatment was invoked in the name of love (e.g. a parent enacting physical or verbal abuse against a child “for their own good,” or claiming love while being absent or neglectful).  Through this, many people have learned and convinced themselves that mistreatment can be a part of love, which translates into acceptance or enactment of this mistreatment as a part of how adults “love” one another and their own children.  We comfort ourselves, justify mistreatment from others, or rationalize our own harmful behavior by shrouding the underlying pain in the name of love.  

The point is not to judge or shame, for faced with this definition I myself must also question which relationships in my life have followed this recipe, which are truly loving.  The point is to invite curiosity, about what your relationships and your life might look like, were love by hook’s definition to be chosen and cultivated.  This extends to the love you give to yourself, the love you give and receive in relationships (romantic, familial, platonic), and the love that is exchanged and advocated for in our communities and political systems.  I am willing to imagine that I am not the only one who might feel overwhelmed by the idea of striving to enact this definition of love.  Rather than viewing “care, affection, recognition, respect, commitment, and trust, as well as honest and open communication” as actions and states that must be permanently and perfectly attained, try to see them as a roadmap to a new approach.  Consider which of these feel most attainable for you, and which of them might feel more challenging to give or receive.  Allow yourself compassion for the ones that feel hard, and extra compassion if all of them do (you are not alone).  It is no wonder we wind up heartbroken or lonely, when no one clearly tells us what we’re looking for in the first place.  

This definition frames love as a choice, an action that we decide to take from a place of our own willingness.  This offers relief from passive and disempowering expectations that we “fall” in love, or that love must be present between people who are related to each other regardless of the true nature of their relationship.  Agency is in your hands.  This need not mean we jettison relationships that are lacking one or more of hook’s ingredients, but it serves as a starting point from which to have a conversation with a partner, family member, or friend, or from which to do some self-reflection.  What is the current state of love in your relationship(s)?  What love do you seek and allow yourself to receive?  What will you choose to do to love?

——-

Hooks, B. (2001). All about love: New visions. William Morrow, an imprint of HarperCollins Publishers.


An Approachable Take on Wellness: Leaning Into Your Body & Mind Connection

An Approachable Take on Wellness: Leaning Into Your Body & Mind Connection

By: Amanda Galarza, AMFT

It’s the first month of a new year! Social media is flooding with posts of the past year and  setting intentions for the new year. For many, the new year feels refreshing. The new year might  feel like an appropriate time to turn over a new leaf or start fresh toward a goal that was daunting  to overcome the previous year. It is likely that most of these posts are focused on taking steps to  achieve a healthier lifestyle or make steps toward integrating some aspect of wellness more and  more into one’s daily routines. 

Since 2020, there have been overt and covert shifts in societal expectations that impact  the way folks navigate wellness. I consider wellness to be a comprehensive way of caring for  one’s mind, body, and soul. This includes committing to make conscious choices that focus on  one’s mind and body connection and that brings you fulfillment, peace, and joy. 

I think a lot about the way our society has continued to evolve and although there has  been a shift in the way that folks think about wellness in recent years, there are still many ways  in which our society does not create an environment that provides the ability for prioritizing our  wellness and healthy functioning. In Gabor Mate’s The Myth of Normal, this is the premise in  which this author unpacks the way in which our society is not conducive to providing an  environment where humans can easily lead a healthy and fulfilling life. (I really recommend this  read if you want a deeper dive into comprehensive wellness/healing!) 

Being a part of Western society, it has become very clear to me how our society is rooted  in the go go go culture of achievement and success. In order to be viewed as the socially  constructed productive/successful member of society, one must be able to have a sufficient  income to be able to afford ever increasing rent prices, navigate inflating prices at stores, and pay  bills. Some folks have resources and are born into a world where achieving this isn’t stressful,  and they don’t have to think about or worry about monetary income. For many others however,  money is a constant, pervasive stressor. 

For those who feel this ongoing pressure and are constantly operating under fight-or-flight mode, figuring out how they are going to make enough to make ends meet makes  tending to wellness feel unrealistic. It can feel like a luxury that they just simply do not have  time for. I want to discuss ways in which tending to wellness can be integrated in order to  achieve more balance and stability, especially in a world where some folks feel as though they  are in a constant hamster wheel of navigating chaos and trying to reach some sense of security/ stability. 

My approach is rooted in systemic thought; in other words, how each aspect in one’s life  is connected and integrated so that each aspect of one’s life has an impact on one another. When  thinking about wellness, this systemic, bio psychosocial approach takes an inherently  comprehensive lens that encompasses physical health, mental health, environmental contexts,  and larger societal influences. 

In striving to focus on wellness, there has been more research around this bio psychosocial approach, with the hopes of achieving balance through mind body connection.  Tuning into your emotions and how your body is reacting may sound straightforward to some. In  reality, it is immensely challenging for most folks who experienced trauma throughout their life. 

Trauma can get in the way of staying connected to one’s body, which will hinder one’s natural  ability to feel comfortable enough to sit in an emotion and unpack why they are experiencing it. The societal shift towards a focus on wellness, specifically mindfulness, made a large  impact on many folks; they were better able to slow down, step away from the go go go of our  Western society, and attempt to sit in what they are feeling. Many have found healing through  these strategies that connect us to our body and staying in the present moment- whether through  meditation, yoga, or general breathwork. 

I know I was someone who used to question how these strategies may be effective or helpful at all. Because I was raised in a household where talking about emotions was not  acceptable, I grew up learning how to shut out my emotions and disregard the messages my body  was sending me. The mind and body are connected, when you are thinking or feeling something,  it is due to the experience that your body is either having in the present moment or something  that got triggered from the past. For many who have experienced trauma, we have triggers that  cause our body to react in an instinctual, fight-or-flight manner. 

Therefore, the strategies that lean into mind-body connection and allow us to tune into our body, such as meditation, yoga, or breathwork can be immensely challenging or uncomfortable for those who have experienced trauma. The benefit, however, of learning how to sit with the discomfort and understand more about yourself and your emotional landscape, can create lifelong change. For those who grew up in a household similar to mine or have experienced other types of trauma, relearning how to listen to yourself and trust your emotion is initially SO challenging (and painful, uncomfortable, tough, all of it!). But with time, you do learn to unpack some of the harmful narratives and scripts that tell you it doesn’t matter how  you feel or what you are experiencing. 

The understanding and learning about oneself that comes from slowing down and tuning in can provide a foundation for knowing what you need to achieve a healthier, stable, and more balanced lifestyle. Taking these initial steps toward slowing down and connecting with yourself  is accessible to most folks, which is why I love talking about this early on in aiding people in  their healing journey and learning more about themselves. 

After growing more familiar and comfortable with this foundational, pivotal step, it often  becomes easier to sit in your authentic experience; this strengthens the ability to reflect and  unpack your thoughts and emotions through strategies such as journaling or sharing with others.  For now, let’s start with the first step of slowing down, taking a breath, and tuning in. I’ve listed  some accessible resources below for free guided meditations, yoga, and general breathwork so  that you have a starting point of checking out something that may feel comfortable for you to  integrate into your wellness journey! 

Free Resources: 

Meditation/Breathwork Resources: 

  • Insight Timer —> https://insighttimer.com/guided-meditations 

  • The Free Mindfulness Project —> https://www.freemindfulness.org/download

  • Tara Brach Guided Meditations —> https://www.tarabrach.com/guided-meditations/?cn reloaded=1 

Yoga Resources: 

  • Yoga with Adrienne —> https://yogawithadriene.com/free-yoga-videos/

  • Yoga with Kassandra —> https://www.youtube.com/@yogawithkassandra/videos

  • Yoga with Bird —> https://www.youtube.com/@YogaWithBird

Photo by Prasanth Inturi: https://www.pexels.com/photo/silhouette-of-man-at-daytime-1051838/

The Antidote to Shame: A Musing about “Hard Feelings” with Jennette McCurdy

The Antidote to Shame: A Musing about “Hard Feelings” with Jennette McCurdy

By Elisabeth Kee, LCPC

I’m about twenty minutes into my commute home from the office. Since I was a child, I’ve had this maladaptive coping mechanism that I can’t seem to get a handle on. At the end of each day, I replay all of the interactions of the day in my head with harsh and judgemental commentary from my inner critic. That thing you said to your client was stupid. You didn’t send those emails like you were supposed to. You haven’t completed your notes for the day. That person doesn’t like you. You stained your blouse again. <insert a dozen other perceived mistakes here>. It’s what I like to call my “Shame Spiral”. It is honestly pretty terrible and makes my anxiety worse, but I can’t seem to snap myself out of it today. Or most days, honestly.

“I’ve been thinking about shame,” a voice announces through the speakers of my Prius.

Me too, I answer back silently in my head, grateful for the metaphorical hand extended to me so I can escape my introspective scolding. I shift back to the present with a start. I’m listening to Jennette McCurdy’s new podcast, “Hard Feelings”. I have been looking forward to listening since she announced the project a couple months ago. The synchronicity of the first episode’s topic and my own predicament are enough to make me pause. Maybe I’m not so alone in my shame after all, a small voice inside me thinks.

Jennette shares her struggle with shame as she has navigated the huge success of her memoir, “I’m Glad My Mom Died”, while also recognizing that she still had more inner work to do to heal those inner wounds from her past. She explores how she still carries the shame of being known for a character that she played as a child. Everytime the name of the show or character is mentioned, she feels her body flooded with shame and fear. She hoped that the book’s success would be her antidote, by completely outshining the memory that she played that character from her fans' minds. “I don't have to carry that shame of my past. Finally, I can be known for something that I do as an adult. (McCurdy, 2023)” For a little while, Jennette said, this worked. “I didn't feel ashamed for weeks, maybe even months. I thought like it's gone, baby, we're good. No more shame (McCurdy, 2023). Months later, she was doing a book tour at UCSD. She was answering a vulnerable question and a member of the audience interrupted her to shout a stereotypical line from an old character she used to play. It all came flooding back. The shame was so intense that it triggered a fight-or-flight response for Jennette immediately. By amazing willpower and grace, she was able to vocalize her feelings of hurt at the interruption and continue the talk, but it left a lasting impression on her. She realized that the shame still existed inside her, and that there was more work needed to be done.

Jennette quickly booked a session with her therapist. During the session, Jennette is understandably frustrated and confused by the idea that her fans still remember her as a character, and don’t see the true Jennette, even after all this time. She asks her therapist with true fervor and yearning “When will it be enough for them to get past (character name)?”. Her therapist replies “When will it be enough for you to get past (her)?” (McCurdy, 2023)

That’s what we therapists like to call an “Aha!” moment.

I pause because there is a timely commercial break. I think of that question in terms of my own shame. When will it be enough for me to stop tearing myself down? The answer is there almost instantly. When I choose to love myself instead, despite my mistakes. Because shame, at its core, is an emotion that makes us feel that our true selves are unworthy of love and acceptance. It makes us feel that there is something inherently wrong at our core that makes us “other”. It doesn’t really serve a purpose other than chiseling away at the pieces of ourselves that society, the superego, or inner critic deem unacceptable. Shame lies to us, telling us that our normal mistakes or past reactions are egregious sins, and makes us smaller and takes us further from our authentic selves. So the answer is to reject shame instead, and  fully embrace our repressed parts. Much easier said than done, I know.

It can also be important to understand how the shame came to be, whether it was through childhood experiences, societal pressures, trauma or distorted core beliefs, so we can fully explore the parts we rejected and work on accepting them. Jennette speaks about this as well, how much of her shame is tied to the rejection of her true self by her mother, who only valued her as the character she played on TV. In the present, Jennette is working on integrating the knowledge that this was her mother’s insecurities being projected onto her, and it wasn’t her fault. A child just wants to be loved as they are, there is nothing shameful about that. Jennette deserved love then and deserves it now too. Just like we all do.

I feel like Jennette is showing us a blueprint for healing shame with her podcast. As she continues to share vulnerable pieces of herself with the world, she models self-acceptance to her audience. She models emotional literacy and introspective exploration. She shows that when we shine a light on shame (or other difficult emotions), other people join in, and we realize that we aren’t alone in our struggle. I’ve seen how many people resonate with her podcast through social media. Everyone feels this way at some point in their lives. People are excited and eager that these topics are being discussed on a larger scale. It is desperately needed. The more we talk about shame in an open way, the less power it holds over us. The more people who speak about it, the less isolating shame becomes. Once we free ourselves from its grasp, we can work on the journey towards becoming our whole authentic selves. That is how we heal from shame. By bringing it into awareness, conversation and infusing understanding into it. 

Jennette signs off her podcast with a refreshing statement. “I'll keep processing it and I'm gonna try and figure it out” (McCurdy, 2023). I resonate with this sentiment a lot. That’s the best any of us can do right? We just need to keep trying, keep striving towards understanding ourselves. It takes time to unravel all the complexities within us and that’s okay. Shifting the language we speak to ourselves takes practice, but is also important in healing shame. On the rest of the commute home, I make a conscious effort to look at my mistakes with a lens of understanding; I forgot to send that email… but I sent it within twenty four hours and it wasn’t urgent. So, that’s fine I guess. I said something stupid in one of my sessions? That’s okay too. I doubt my client noticed, and if they did, we could just laugh at it together. I can get that stain out with a tide pen.

I also gave myself a big hug. That helped.. I’ll keep processing and trying to figure it out too, Jennette. In the meantime, I am trying to follow her example. I hope that by putting some of my own vulnerability out into the world, by sharing my own struggles with shame, maybe someone reading this feels less alone in theirs. I know that’s what Jennette’s podcast has done for me. If it isn’t clear from this post, I highly recommend taking a good long listen to “Hard Feelings” during your next commute. The episodes continue to be thought provoking, insightful and delightfully funny. I know I’ll be listening.


Note: I specifically decided not to use the name of the character Jennette used to play, as she mentions in her podcast it is upsetting to her to hear or see the name, in consideration for her feelings if she ever were to read this.


Citations: 

McCurdy, J. (2023, Oct 24). Shame (No.1) [Audio podcast episode]. In Hard Feelings. https://lemonada.lnk.to/Vng2xe Lemonada Media

A Self-Motivation Guide: 5 Ways to Talk Yourself Out of a Bad Mood

A Self-Motivation Guide: 5 Ways to Talk Yourself Out of a Bad Mood

By Veronica McAllister, LPC

Do you ever have those days when you cannot explain why you feel down? I have those days sometimes and they hit me like a ton of bricks. It is an immobilizing feeling that can leave you feeling unmotivated and spiraling into the depths of despair. 

No matter the mental health challenge, we can all benefit from learning how to self-regulate our moods. Here are some coping skills I use to motivate myself when I am feeling down.

1. Have a Conversation with Yourself

Ask yourself, “How am I feeling?” Try to express what you are feeling (i.e., sad, alone, anxious). Sometimes simply naming the feeling can help put your mood into perspective. 

Taking this a step further, it can be helpful to ask yourself why you are feeling what you are feeling. Identifying the root cause of your emotion may not make you feel better immediately, but it could help you to better understand yourself. 

2. Consider What Could Make You Feel Better

Start by giving attention to your basic needs. When we are suffering emotionally, we tend to forget what we need. Are you tired or hungry? If needed, allow yourself to rest. A short nap can reset your mood and leave you feeling physically refreshed. Cooking for yourself or ordering in your favorite meal ensures that you are nourished. Having a nourished and energized body could play a significant role in regulating your mood overall.

Once your basic needs are met, try to gently challenge yourself to engage in a healthy activity that can help to elevate your mood. Physical activities usually do the trick for me such as going for a walk, doing yoga, or playing sports. If you do not have the capacity or ability to engage in physical activities, consider reading, listening to music, or journaling. Sometimes finding the strength to do chores around the house works wonders as it contributes to your well-being, and you feel better when your home feels in order.

3. Acknowledge the Good Things Happening in Your Life

This exercise is meant to be less intimidating than it sounds and should help you to build yourself up. It can undoubtedly be difficult to think about what is going well in your life when it feels like there is a whirlwind of stress swirling around you. Remind yourself about the small things in your life that make you happy. Try to celebrate yourself and the challenges small and big that you have overcome. Think about your strengths, passions, and accomplishments. 

My personal examples: Celebrating when I get things checked off my to-do list. Appreciating how much I love my apartment. Feeling proud that I have been meeting my goal of cooking and baking more rather than ordering out.

4. Control the Controllables

I love watching professional tennis. Tennis matches exemplify the human capacity for self-motivation under pressure in real-time. Brad Gilbert, a tennis professional and coach, uses the phrase “control the controllables” when coaching his players. Especially when the player is not playing their best and their opponent is out playing them.

I think Brad’s advice is perfect for anyone feeling out of sorts emotionally, physically, or functionally. It is beneficial to be present and to focus on what we can control. Additionally, it is beneficial to learn how to let go of what we cannot control. This letting go may not be permanent. However, whether it be for a moment or a lifetime, letting go of what we cannot control can free us.

Example: We cannot change the harm that was done to us in the past, but we can control our will to continue living, healing, and pressing forward in the present.

5. Phone a Friend

Though the ability to motivate ourselves is valuable, it goes without saying that the ultimate form of support is to reach out for help from anyone in your support system. Whether that be a friend, family member, or therapist. 

Consider calling up a friend or family member to vent or ask for help. Sometimes we try to carry everything on our own but sharing our burden with others is the way to make it lighter and easier to bear.


Photo by Alex Green

More Than the “Baby Blues”: An Overview of Perinatal & Postpartum Mood Disorders

More Than the “Baby Blues”: An Overview of Perinatal & Postpartum Mood Disorders

By: Sara Morrow-Han, LMFT

There are many dualisms inherent in becoming a parent: it’s exciting, joyful, hopeful AND we can feel anxiety and grieve the loss of our “old” life at the same time. Many of us have heard the term “baby blues” in relation to the period following the birth of a child. When people speak of this, they are generally referring to the sense of sadness, irritability and overwhelm that as many as 60-80% of new birthing people experience in the first few days after birth (Allen, n.d.). We can credit dramatically falling hormonal levels (estrogen and progesterone) with these symptoms (Allen, n.d.).  Usually, they dissipate within two weeks of giving birth. But, what happens if they don’t? It’s important to be aware of the fact that for many birthing people, the “baby blues” are normative as this can be a very validating piece of knowledge. However, it is also vital to know that Postpartum Mood and Anxiety Disorders (PMADs) exist; 1 in 7 new birthing people experience these distressing but treatable symptoms (Postpartum Support International, n.d.). A new parent does not have to suffer in silence, thinking: “oh, it’s just the baby blues—everyone feels this way…” Here is what you need to know if you (or someone you’re close to) is pregnant or recently had a baby. 

A lot of people have heard of “postpartum” and usually think this is limited to depression. Postpartum depression is, indeed, one of the PMADs but in addition to this, women (and men!) can experience postpartum anxiety, PTSD and OCD (Postpartum Support International, n.d.). In rare instances, the birthing person can also experience psychosis following birth. To get more specific and accurate, the better term for mental health issues in this period is “Perinatal Mood and Anxiety Disorders” because these issues can also be present during pregnancy, not just after (Postpartum Support International, n.d.). “Perinatal” refers to the period before and after birth. 

So, what are the symptoms of each? This is an overview to give you, the reader, a broad sense, but I encourage further reading if something resonates with you. 

  • Perinatal depression: crying and sadness, irritability, lack of interest in baby, feeling hopeless, guilt, anhedonia, sleep and appetite changes as well as thoughts of harming self and/or baby (Postpartum Support International, n.d.)

  • Perinatal anxiety: persistent worrying, a sense of dread that something awful will occur, racing thoughts, being fidgety or unable to sit still, physical symptoms (such as racing heart, nausea, dizziness) as well as changes to sleep and appetite (Postpartum Support International, n.d.). 

  • Perinatal OCD: obsessions (also known as intrusive thoughts) usually relating to the baby, compulsions that are done to quell the anxiety brought on by intrusive thoughts, hypervigilance about baby’s safety, and a sense of deep distress over the presence of these thoughts (Postpartum Support International, n.d.). It is important to note that the birthing person does not want to act on them, which is why it can feel so scary! 

  • Postpartum PTSD: this refers to real or perceived traumas (most often) during the time of delivery, such as the baby going into distress, needing an unplanned intervention (like C-Section), losing a lot of blood, etc. In addition, there is a sense of not having control over the outcome of events (Postpartum Support International, n.d.), which results in a perceived sense of powerlessness. 

  • Postpartum Psychosis: this is a very rare (.1-.2% of births) but serious condition in which the birthing person experiences delusions, hallucinations, severe depression, paranoia, a decreased need for sleep, irritability and/or mood swings (Postpartum Support International, n.d.). Birthing people exhibiting these symptoms should be taken to an ER immediately since this is a medical emergency as she/they may harm themselves or the infant. 

This is by no means exhaustive but is meant to give you a sense for how the “baby blues” and PMADs are different and call for different interventions. The important thing to remember is that there are interventions! Having knowledge of the signs to watch out for is empowering and the vital piece needed to seek help. Some of the most useful steps to take include:

  • Find a psychotherapist who is specially trained in treating Perinatal Mood and Anxiety Disorders: Postpartum Support International has a directory.

  • If you are planning on becoming pregnant, or are pregnant already, build your support system early as low social support is a known risk factor for PMADs (MGH Center for Women’s Health, 2005): 

    • connect with friends who have had kids or are pregnant. 

    • join groups for pregnant women.

    • interview a labor and/or postpartum doula--affordability can be an issue but some HSA/FSA plans let you use these for payment. Many cities also have Community Doula Programs that offer sliding scale or are free!

    • talk to a lactation consultant if you want to breastfeed since there can be a learning curve with this! Many insurances cover these types of visits. 

  • Do you feel comfortable/safe with your OB or midwife to the extent that you feel you have a say in your care and can ask any questions that come up?

  • Find a psychiatrist who specializes in women’s mental health as well as the perinatal period.

  • Couples therapy can be very helpful in preparing for the transition to parenthood and can also act as a space to share concerns/worries about the postpartum period. 

  • Engage with a support group with others who are also experiencing this major life transition. Postpartum Support International offers some of these .

  • Call a hotline that is specifically for new parents, if you are in a pinch and need to talk to someone immediately. In the Chicagoland area, the Northshore MOMS Line is open 24/7: 866.364.MOMS (866.364.6667).

  • Read “Good Moms have Scary Thoughts” by Karen Kleinman.

  • Read “Expecting Better” and “Cribsheet” by Dr. Emily Oster to help dispel some common misconceptions (using data!) that may lead to increased anxiety about pregnancy and/or the period after birth. 

  • Postpartum Support International, MGH Center for Women’s Mental Health and Marce Society are leading organizations in the perinatal mental health space; they have great resources, many of which are free!


References

Allen, S (n.d.) What are the baby blues? Retrieved September 25, 2023, from https://drsarahallen.com/baby-blues/

MGH Center for Women’s Health (2005, June 20). Postpartum depression: Who is at risk? Massachusetts General Hospital Center for Women’s Mental Health: Reproductive Psychiatry & Resource Center. https://womensmentalhealth.org/posts/postpartum-depression-who-is-at-risk/

Postpartum Support International (n.d.) Perinatal mental health disorders. Retrieved September 25, 2023, from https://www.postpartum.net/learn-more/

Photo by cottonbro studio: https://www.pexels.com/photo/pregnant-woman-in-white-long-sleeve-dress-5853667/

Building Your Defensiveness Radar

Building Your Defensiveness Radar

By: Eric Wren, AMFT

When I work with clients dealing with conflict in their relationship, one of the first things I’m looking for is defensiveness – whether with a romantic partner, a family member, or a friend. Defensiveness is an excellent indicator that an “emotional injury” just occurred…it’s like the check engine light that goes off and tells you where to focus your attention to repair the problem. 

Here are a few practical questions / points I like to consider with clients. These can help build your “defensiveness radar” so you can notice when it’s happening for you & find a better solution.

What is my pattern?
You might ask yourself, “What is my defensive pattern like?” When working with relationships, there tends to be an emotional injury that happens right before a person’s defensive response comes out. If you were drawing out your pattern, you might write a part of it out like this:

emotional injury —> defensiveness 

Grab a pencil and see if you can add a few steps to your pattern (both before the emotional injury and after defensiveness). Sometimes breaking your pattern down into 5 or 6 steps can help slow yourself down a bit and build awareness for a more productive conversation.

What is this defensiveness really about? (*hint: it’s about the emotional injury)

Remaining curious about why you become defensive is arguably the most important task in building your defensiveness radar. Since an emotional injury tends to precede defensiveness (oftentimes in a matter of seconds without you even noticing), it’s key to spend some time exploring the injury and getting to know it. 

Maybe one of these “emotional injury” examples rings true for you:

  • You don’t feel heard / validated by the other person.   

  • You feel misunderstood by the other person.

  • Your wants / needs are ignored, or not prioritized.

  • The current situation reminds you of a previous conflict / issue. 

(Distinction between past and present collapses)

How does my defensiveness present?

What does your defensive stance sound like / look like / feel like? It can present differently for different people. Getting to know yours can help build your radar.

  • Sounds like: 

“Well I responded like that because you said ___________ first!” 

(blame & focus on chronological order)

  • Feels like:

Maybe you notice your heartbeat speed up or your face turns red. Looking for signs from your body can help you get to know your defensiveness & what it’s like for you.

  • Looks like:

Perhaps you withdraw entirely and leave the room, or turn your body away from the other person. 


Taking a non-judgmental, curious stance towards your defensive responses can help you understand when your “check engine light” is going off and take ownership of ways that you might be inflaming the issue.

Context is everything. When you notice defensiveness, get curious about the emotional injury and spend some time there…this could have a profound impact on replacing your defensive pattern with a reparative one.

3 Questions to Ask About Your Relationship, From Naikan Therapy

3 Questions to Ask About Your Relationship, From Naikan Therapy

By: Josh Hetherington, LMFT

In America, we’ve been programmed to pay attention to our needs in relationships. This isn’t a bad thing, but it can make us lose sight of what we give. A good relationship has a balance of give and take.

How do you show up as a partner in your relationship? What do you do to be a good partner? How do you repair when you’ve hurt your partner? What do you get from your partner? This line of questions makes up the heart of Naikan Therapy, a model developed in Japan, based on Buddhist ideas. 

The model asks us to consider 3 specific questions aimed at helping us focus on self-reflection. 

  1. What have I given to my partner that makes their life better?

  2. What have I done to harm my partner that I need to repair?

  3. What have I received from my partner that makes my life better?

The elegance of this model is profound! Focusing on what we give as partners, more than on what we get as partners allows us create a present and a future that is different from the past. It allows us to step outside of selfishness and move into generosity and kindness. It makes space for taking accountability and repairing. 

Consider what you give, what you have done that needs to be repaired, and what you get. 

Take a look at this link for more information on Naikan Therapy concepts:

https://positivepsychology.com/naikan-therapy/

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Photo by Monstera: https://www.pexels.com/photo/loving-young-multiracial-lesbian-couple-holding-hands-while-lying-on-bed-at-home-5331159/

Individual Therapy vs. Couples Therapy – Which one? (Anonymous Q&A Response)

Individual Therapy vs. Couples Therapy – Which one? (Anonymous Q&A Response)

By: Angela Nguyen, LMFT

We had a question that was submitted asking, “My question is, should I look at going to therapy by myself, with her, or not at all and work it out with her?” This reader did preface that they had a fight that entailed them pushing each other's buttons and the fight escalating due to them reacting to each other's reactions.

Firstly, any kind of therapy is going to be more helpful than no therapy. In this specific instance, it does seem like there's a systematic issue with their dynamic's communication patterns, which would argue for couples therapy. However, seeking individual therapy to supplement couples' work would also benefit each party considering how distressing the relationship can be, and it could also just generally be beneficial as another outlet to process and release emotions, too (rather than trying to contain it all inside and/or sourcing it to just your partner).

In general, for the average client, when it comes to the kind of therapy you'd like to pursue (e.g. individual therapy, couples therapy, family therapy, co-parenting therapy, etc.), it might be helpful to organize your thoughts and feelings to focus on what you're currently experiencing, what you're hoping to experience/have changed, and what you're willing to change for yourself. Using that reader's case as an example, we can imagine that they're potentially experiencing a lot of stress and confusion as to feeling so disconnected from their partner, perhaps they'd like to feel more confident with engaging with their partner as well as feeling less alone with their distress, and maybe they're willing to learn new communication and reflection/attunement skills. These goals would be reasons for both couples therapy and individual therapy in that regard. Even if the situation were different where their partner helps validate and reassures them, but their fights seem to about them having difficulty keeping their partner close, having both couples and individual therapy can still benefit both parties – especially if the goals and motivation are the same. 

Ultimately, it boils down to what you're wanting and willing to work on, but generally individual therapy is applicable and appropriate more times than not. Even if you're still confused or uncertain about what your goals are, that's more than normal and acceptable - you can always talk to a professional to figure out your goals and/or if you want goals. Seeking support can be intimidating and overwhelming – especially with the uncertainty and novelty of the experience. That is to be expected, especially since it's part of the process. However, by choosing to get support despite those emotional obstacles is good practice in helping your (inner) feelings and needs be heard, which is usually the thematic want in the majority of people's goals. So help yourself feel heard by hearing yourself and getting support (perhaps start with individual therapy) and see if more support can further your journey. Good luck!

Click here if you’d like to submit an anonymous question for our blog!

Decision Making With Your Wise Mind

Decision Making With Your Wise Mind

By: Madalyn Simpson, LMFT

Since you woke up this morning, how many decisions - big or small - have you confronted? Did the answers to these decisions naturally arrive as a calm clarity or as an abrupt lightbulb moment? Did you survey the crowd around you for insight, or suffer over ‘what-ifs’ and endless possibilities? As someone who, as a child, turned minutes into hours in grocery and book store aisles paralyzed by the simple question of what I wanted, I meet you with no judgment in this inquiry. Even simple, seemingly inconsequential decision making can be hard. 

While anecdotally I can say I have witnessed the majority of my clients struggling more significantly with decision making in the past 2-3 years as we confront the ‘what now?’ of a global pandemic, research may be reflecting a similar trend. A 2021 survey by the American Psychological Association exploring the impact of the Covid-19 pandemic on decision fatigue suggests that upwards of 32% of Americans struggle with basic, daily decision making, with numbers as high as 48% of millennials when broken down by age group (APA, 2021). 

The “why” surrounding this challenge in decision making deserves nuanced exploration; we all hold a unique set of messages, experiences, and adversities that may have understandably invited doubt or uncertainty in the decision making process. Nevertheless, today I hope to instead invite an entry-point to reconnect with your gut, your intuition, your wise mind, or what the very wise Glennon Doyle calls our ‘inner Knowing.’ In her #1 New York Times Bestselling book Untamed, Glennon speaks to this experience of connecting to her Knowing: 

“The answers are never out there. They are as close as my breath and as steady as my heartbeat. All I have to do is stop flailing, sink below the surface, and feel for the nudge and the gold. Then I have to trust it, no matter how illogical or scary the next right thing seems. Because the more consistently, bravely, and precisely I follow the inner Knowing, the more precise and beautiful my outer life becomes.” (Doyle, 2020)

If you read that passage and thought, “sounds nice, easier said than done,” I’m right there with you. With a lifetime of messaging, doubt, regret, trauma, wins, failures, and implicit/explicit influence, how do we differentiate this Knowing voice from all of the other voices that make up our consciousness? Dialectical Behavior Therapy’s foundational concept of “Wise Mind” offers us a practical, approachable framework to deepen our mindfulness of where this intuitive inner compass may be pointing us. 

Created in the 1970’s by researcher Dr. Marsha Linehan, Dialectical Behavior Therapy (or DBT for short) offers a skills-based, behavioral approach to the topics of mindfulness, distress tolerance, emotion regulation, and interpersonal effectiveness. Nested within the Mindfulness module of DBT, the Wise Mind skill posits that each individual has access to different states of mind, namely our emotional mind, our logical/reasonable mind, and our Wise Mind. As the language suggests, we are operating from our logic mind when using data-driven, fact-based reason, logic, or problem solving, while we are accessing our emotion mind when we are driven by emotion, mood, passion, or urges (Linehan, 2015). Both of these states have value and purpose, and no one person is solely defined by one or the other (though it is entirely natural that both nature and nurture may have encouraged our access to one over the other). Accessing our Wise Mind involves the honoring and integrating of both the emotional and logical mind, without discrediting or invalidating the data from each (think of our Wise Mind as inhabiting the overlapping center on a venn diagram of emotion and logic mind). This is where we find our wise, inner Knowing! 

So what does this look like in practice? How do we access this so-called Wise Mind? The foundation of this process involves mindfulness, bringing our conscious awareness to our present moment experience, and guiding ourselves through the consideration of our emotion, logic, and ultimately Wise Minds. At first this may feel effortful, even forced. With practice, it is intuitive. When facing your next decision, try asking: What state of mind am I operating from currently? What would my emotion mind tell me? What would my logic mind tell me? How is my Wise Mind guiding me? Below is an example of what this consideration may possibly sound like, using a practical example of Wise Mind in the realm of dating, one of my personal favorite spaces of exploration in decision-making. 

Example: A person from my dating app asked me on a date- should I go or not? 

What would Logic Mind tell us? (remember: data, facts, and reason rule here)

  • I have specific criteria that this person must meet. I can evaluate the compatibility of this partner based on whether or not they meet this criteria. If they do, they are a good match; if they don’t, they are not. 

What would Emotion Mind tell us? (remember: emotion, urges, passion rule here)

  • Dating is all about the ‘spark’- if I feel excited when I talk to them, I should go! Or I have felt bored in conversation, this will be a waste of time.

What does our Wise Mind guide us to do? 

  • Connection and compatibility can be assessed and built over time, based both on my felt experience when with this person, and whether we are compatible in values, goals, and lifestyle. From what I know so far of this person, I feel open to learning more- I’m in! 


If we’re vulnerable enough to live a full, complex life, we will bump up against a million and one decisions in our lifetime- While I don’t know what will be the right move for you, I can say with full confidence that you know what will be right for you. 


Sources:

American Psychological Association.(2021). Stress and decision-making during the pandemic. https://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/stress/2021/october-decision-making

Doyle, G. (2020). Untamed. The Dial Press. 

Linehan, M. M. (2015). DBT® skills training manual (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.

Connecting Mindfully With Nature

Connecting Mindfully With Nature

By: Sara Morrow-Han, LMFT

Spring has sprung in Chicago! The days are longer, warmer and brighter. Anecdotally, many people say that they feel their mood is “boosted” when the weather warms up. If you struggle with Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) this may absolutely be the case due to the increased amount of sunlight available (Oren et al., 1994 as cited in McDonnell, 2016). Interestingly, the link between happiness and good weather is less clear for those who do not experience SAD (McConnell, 2016).  What is clear, though, is that one of the reasons that nice weather may increase levels of happiness, is that people are engaged in more outdoor activities compared to during the hibernation-mode of winter. Research does show that being in nature is correlated with increased happiness, positive social interactions, a sense of meaning as well as lowered mental distress (Bratman, 2019 as cited in Weir, 2020). Given this, and given the arrival of spring, I invite you to participate in the following mindfulness activity the next time that you are outdoors.

As you begin your walk, take a moment to breathe in deeply through your nose and exhale from your mouth for a few minutes. Let your nervous system relax. 

As you take your next step, feel the contact that your foot makes with the grass or the concrete. What does this feel like to you? Is it soft or hard? If you are around grass, maybe take your shoes off and feel the sensation of the grass on your feet. Is it rough? Soft?

Next, orient yourself to the sounds around you: do you hear birds, the wind rustling in the leaves, or maybe kids playing outside? If it helps, you can close your eyes to focus. 

Next, pay attention to smells around you. If you are near a plant or flower, maybe breathe in the scent of this and describe it: sweet, musky, woody?

 Next, describe what you see around you: what colors do you notice? What shapes and textures? You can zoom in on a particular object if you want to: a flower, a tree, a blade of grass, etc. 

The next sense that we can try to engage is the sense of taste: are you sipping some coffee or chewing gum? What flavors do you notice? 

Now, take a moment to stand still and practice some grounding: imagine yourself rooted to the earth through your feet and just breathe for a moment. 

My hope is that this practice lets you engage with nature and savor it! Happy Spring!



References

McDonnell, A. (2016). Does warmer weather really make you happier? Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-social-self/201604/does-warmer-weather-really-make-you-happier

Weir, K. (2020). Nurtured by nature. American Psychological Association. https://www.apa.org/monitor/2020/04/nurtured-nature

Photo by 三 点sky: https://www.pexels.com/photo/photo-of-girl-wearing-bucket-hat-2344013/

We’re Wrong About Boundaries... and How to Rethink Them

We’re Wrong About Boundaries... and How to Rethink Them

By: Allison Schentrup, LMFT

Boundaries are hot right now. Watch any reality TV show, TherapyTok, or listen to a relationship podcast and you’ll hear “They crossed my boundary” or “I had to draw a boundary with them” or “They have bad boundaries”. When we use the word boundary, we mean setting limits. We think of them as the distinguishing line between what is appropriate and what breaks our trust or what is my responsibility and what is yours to handle. As Brene Brown says, “boundaries are what is ok and what’s not ok”.

I get it. As we wade through the convoluted and confusing world of post-pandemic, late stage capitalism, it makes sense to want to protect ourselves from being overburdened, overworked, and under-resourced. Most of the time when we’re talking about boundaries this way, it feels like a good thing. Undoubtedly, knowing what you can and want to tolerate from other people is useful self-insight. But, I want to invite a more expansive understanding of boundaries; to think beyond boundaries as limits and responsibilities.

 

Boundaries are where we meet

As a Gestalt therapist I work from the understanding that boundaries are how we’re in contact with others. Boundaries aren’t how we’re keeping people out but how we’re choosing to connect with them at all.

We tend to think of boundaries as a brick wall, where I am safe over here and you are firmly kept out there. I like this analogy and use it often with my clients to build that inner sense of security we all crave. And while it’s a useful vision to help cultivate a sense of inner strength, it doesn’t work from a relational sense. We can’t develop deep trusting relationships from behind a figurative wall.

Instead let’s think of boundaries as our skin. Boundaries are the organ through which we sense and experience the world. Instead of the hard object between us, they are how we connect with each other. 

 

Quality of contact determines our boundaries

From the Gestalt perspective, when we talk about boundaries colloquially we’re actually talking about boundary disturbances- thoughts or situations that prevent us from meeting another person with clarity and openness. If the boundary is our skin, the brick wall is the boundary disturbance preventing us from sensing the other person. Using the idea of boundary disturbances helps shift our mindset into an attitude of connection. What do I need to do to take down my brick wall and still remain in good contact with this person in front of me?

For example, in Gestalt, a projection is a boundary disturbance. “You won't be able to give me what I want.” “You’re not reliable”. “It would be rude of me to ask for help.” These kinds of assumptions, whether they are about other people or about ourselves, are all projections that prevent us from connecting.

If we were working on projection as a boundary disturbance in a therapy session, the goal would be to move from the assumption into a state of more active choice. We would explore the internalized belief and identify how it serves us. We’d spend time validating the purpose of that belief from a place of self-compassion and non-judgement. And we would explore ways we might make requests, take different actions, or have loving conversations with the source of our projections.

(Gestalt holds several more boundary disturbances, including introjection, retroflection, and confluence. I won't go into them here, but they all encompass limiting beliefs and feelings that prevent us from connecting authentically.)

 

From no to yes

In general, it is more empowering and impactful when we make choices in the affirmative. It’s true about how we relate to each other, our environment, and ourselves. Instead of focusing on what we don’t want, directing our attention to what we desire can help provide more clarity. When we do so, our boundaries become a natural expression of how we want to move through the world, rather than a punishment or rule.

 

Here are a few examples of new ways to explore some typical boundary setting experiences:

  • Do I need to set boundaries at work? Or do I need to have a deeper understanding of my capacity and give myself the time and space I need to get the work done? 

  • Do I need to set boundaries with my mom who calls me every other day just to chat about her friends? Or do I need to redirect our conversations towards subjects that we both enjoy? 

  • Do I need to set boundaries around tempting sweets? Or do I need to deepen my awareness of which foods are nourishing for my body? 

These questions aren’t meant as purely semantic reframes. The point is to understand what is causing the disturbance in the contact. By identifying how we feel or what we want in a certain situation, we shift our emphasis from the boundary itself, towards the power of our own actions.

Having boundaries is not a bad thing. Knowing what you need from yourself and from others is essential in compassionate, connected relationships. However the boundary is where we meet not where we resist contact. Through therapy, we explore our relational patterns and bring active awareness to the boundary disturbances (i.e. limiting beliefs and assumptions) that hinder our ability to connect with others. When we have a comprehensive understanding of our own capacities we can invite the world to meet us in the place that feels good for us.

Image link: https://unsplash.com/photos/583uellr2ig

Navigating Grief and Loss As a Couple: Tips for the Supporting Partner

Navigating Grief and Loss As a Couple: Tips for the Supporting Partner

By: Negin Motlagharani, AMFT

Grief and loss are an inevitable part of life that binds all human beings together. Yet, each person has their own unique ways of expressing grief and loss, while also coping with this difficult period of transition. Thus, it can be difficult to figure out how to support your partner during these trying times, especially when you both have differing ways of coping with and expressing grief.  Here are a few tips to keep in mind as you accompany your partner on their journey of grief and healing:

1. Be Present & Listen

            When you see your partner in a great deal of pain and sadness, it is normal for you to want to alleviate their pain and suffering by attempting to “fix” the situation. However, this is not possible because loss is an inevitable part of life, and it is not something we can control. Instead, we can sit and listen to them as they express their emotions verbally or display it through their behaviors, by allowing themselves to cry.

            Creating a warm, and supportive space for your partner to share their feelings with you gives them permission to show up as their authentic self and be vulnerable with you, leading to a greater sense of trust, intimacy, and safety in the relationship. Your presence and attentiveness can allow your partner to feel seen, heard, and understand by you, which is at times more powerful than any solutions you could possibly offer.  Remember that as humans we like to know that someone is bearing witness to our suffering and pain as it humanizes our experience. This framework is more empowering for the grieving partner, rather than being seen as “broken” or “damaged” and in need of “fixing.”

2. Validate Your Partner and Their Experiences

            After taking the time to listen to your partner, be sure to offer verbal or physical validation. Validation can sound like, “It makes sense to me that you feel hurt and devastated because….”  Or “It’s okay to feel _______.” It can also be demonstrated through a pat on the back or holding hands all of which can serve as a nice reminder for your partner that you are there with them and for them. These verbal and non-verbal signals deepen connection as you both turn toward one another.

3. Keep The Memories of the Loved One Alive

            Rituals revolving around the loved one may be crucial part of healing because it allows us to maintain a psychological connection to the loved one even though that person is no longer physically present with us. Helping your partner figure out a ritual that they would like to partake in in order to honor the life that their loved one has lived. A ritual can take on many forms such as visiting the loved one’s grave every year and putting flowers on it, cooking a recipe created by the deceased individual, or carrying a souvenir given to them by their loved one. Establishing and maintaining a ritual allows the mourning partner to know that they have to carry the grief on their own and that the pain can be shared with their partner which can bring comfort to the person who is mourning and be an emotionally relieving experience.

4.  Engage in Self-Care and Set Firm Boundaries  

            It is difficult to be supportive of one’s partner when you are not taking care of your own mental and emotional well-being. Thus, it is important for you to engage in self-care activities that replenish your energy. These activities may include going for a walk, listening to music, journaling, or spending time with friends. These activities allow you to maintain an appropriate level of distance from the grief so that it does not become all-consuming. In order to make time for self-care, one must practice the art of setting gentle, yet firm boundaries with their grieving partner. This may mean that you communicate your limitations openly and honestly with them and connect them with alternative sources of support. You may say something like, “I want to be there for you, but I do not have the capacity to show up for you like how I would like to right now. Can I help you find someone who can support you?” Establishing healthy boundaries means that you are self-aware and understand your capabilities and limitations. This will then allow your partner to look for alternative opportunities/ways for getting their needs met. 

            Experiencing loss and undergoing the process of grief is a tremendously painful life-altering event. At the same time, however, it can be seen as a pathway to connection because you are able to learn more about your partner, support them through their process of grief, and witness their resiliency. As you go through this difficult journey, remember to extend the same level of kindness and grace to yourself as you would to your partner because loss effects all those who are impacted by it just to different degrees and in differing ways.

Resource Radar: Sex Ed Edition

Resource Radar: Sex Ed Edition

By: Teresa D’Astice, LMFT

Finding accessible, accurate, and inclusive information to explore sexual safety, pleasure, and preferences can be challenging. 

My intention in this post is to share a few resources that promote understanding, self-acceptance, and raised awareness around sexual pleasure and functioning. 

  1. Understanding Sex

  2. Exploring Pleasure

This is barely scratching the surface of the information out there; pleasure, desire, connection, sexuality, and language is ever evolving. 

I’m always open to receiving feedback about this content, and if you have a resource that you’re passionate about, I’d love to hear about it! 

Feel free to email me at tdastice@gmail.com

Photo by Anna Pou : https://www.pexels.com/photo/man-in-white-dress-shirt-kissing-woman-in-white-sleeveless-dress-9451221/

Keys to Effective Communication

Keys to Effective Communication

By: Margaret Dandridge, AMFT

Very often we find that it is very difficult for individuals to effectively communicate in relationships. Effective communication is important in problem solving, conflict resolution, for positive working and personal relationships, and in reducing the stresses associated with interpersonal interactions.

Communication Tips

  • Open the door to two-way conversation. Encourage questions. Ask questions.

  • Consider the sender/receiver’s communications strengths and weaknesses, and communicate in the manner that is best accepted by the sender/receiver.

  • Paraphrase what you heard back to the speaker, to ensure you have a common understanding.

  • Don’t be thrown off course by words that affect you emotionally. Continue to listen even when the urge is to start debate.

  • Communicate to be understood. Many people communicate to impress – not express. Use short words that communicate clearly and concretely; present one idea, at the most two ideas, in one sentence. Avoid jargon. Use strong verbs. Avoid passive voice as much as possible.

  • Be open to feedback.

  • Be an active listener.

Active Listening Tips

  • Listen with purpose. Ask yourself “What worthwhile idea is being expressed?”… “ What is being said that I can use?”

  • Judge content not delivery. Look beyond the speaker’s delivery and concentrate on what is being said. ß Keep your emotions in check. Avoid becoming over stimulated by what the speaker says. Avoid allowing your own biases or values to detract from the speaker’s message.

  • Listen for the main idea or central themes of the message.

  • Be flexible. Find a variety of ways to remember what you hear. Find a variety of note keeping techniques to help you remember.

  • Work at listening. Give your full attention to the speaker. Face the speaker. Use facial expressions that indicate you are following what the speaker is saying.

  • Resist distractions. Concentrate on what the speaker is saying. Stay focused on the situation at hand. ß Keep an open mind. Avoid developing blind spots regarding cherished convictions. When you hear “red-flag” words keep your emotions in check.

  • Capitalize on thought speed. Most of us talk about 120 words a minute. Our thinking speed is about 500 words a minute. Thus, there is a lot of time to spare while a person is speaking to us. Don’t let your mind wander and then dart back to the conversation. Use the spare time to your advantage by thinking about what is being said; try to anticipate the point; mentally summarize the point so far; mentally question any supporting points; look for nonverbal clues to the meaning.

 Examples of Active Listening

Non-Verbal Communication

65% of the message is sent non-verbally. Become sensitive to non-verbal messages. Look for such things as body position and movement, gestures, facial expressions, eye contact, silence, use of space and time, etc.

  • Eye Contact- If you look someone in the eye, they pay more attention to what is being said.

  • Posture- Good posture is a sign of confidence and creates a sense of trust in your skills and abilities.

  • Gestures-Use only the body movements and gestures necessary to make your point. Excessive motions are distracting to the listener.

  • Expression-Your expressions sometimes say more than the words you speak. Try to smile and show interest when you speak.

  • Voice- Speak with a firm and assertive quality. This tone implies directness and honesty.

Avoid Communication Stoppers- Behaviors and phrases that often stop a person from communicating:

Ø  ORDERING                                “Don’t talk like that.”

Ø  WARNING                                 “If you do that, you’ll be sorry.”

Ø  MORALIZING                             “You ought/should….”

Ø  ADVISING                                  “I suggest that you…”

Ø  REASON WITH                          “Let’s look at the facts.”

Ø  DIAGNOSING                             “You feel that way because…”

Ø  JUDGING                                  “You are wrong about that.”

Ø  NAME CALLING                          “You are acting like….”

Ø  DISTRACTING                             “Let’s talk about something else.”

Ø  INTERRUPTING                           “But what about…

8 Meaningful Ways to Connect with the Older Adults in Your Life

8 Meaningful Ways to Connect with the Older Adults in Your Life

By: Sam Hardy, MFT

As summer comes to a close and autumn weather arrives, I absolutely love seeing pumpkins and fall decor strewn about the aisles of Target and Jewel Osco. The colorful Halloween costumes and warm colors seem to mark the beginning of the end of the 2022 year (gasp!). This exciting transition to fall also acts as a prologue to the holiday season - a time filled with delicious food and beloved traditions. For many, this time is distinguished by gatherings with family, friends, or loved ones. However, especially during this time of year, I am also reminded of the older adults who cannot visit with relatives due to physical challenges, geographic distance, or financial concerns.

Let’s peek at the research surrounding loneliness in older adult populations. In 2020, The National Academies of Sciences, Engineering, and Medicine reported that over one-third of adults aged 45 and older feel lonely. It was also discovered that almost one-fourth of adults aged 65 and older are believed to be socially isolated. The implications of this are quite concerning. Because loneliness is a risk factor for “all-cause morbidity and mortality” and is associated with cognitive decline, depression, and decreased resistance to infection, it is particularly worrisome that older people are vulnerable to social isolation (Fakoya et al., 2020, p. 2). Older adults also face many barriers to connection including living alone, experiencing chronic illness, or losing family members. All things considered, with more than 55 million adults over the age of 65 currently living in the United States, this is an extremely important topic of conversation.

As a marriage and family therapist who is passionate about working with adults across the lifespan, I love hearing about new ways to support older communities in a therapeutic context. But how might we be able to support these individuals in our everyday lives? Below, I’ve compiled eight ways to connect with an older adult in your life. While the majority of these ideas come from past experiences of mine, they are also inspired by the literature surrounding senior loneliness and social isolation. Of course, this list is not exhaustive! I encourage you to share your own thoughts in the comment section below.   

  1. Text fun photo updates of your life to an older adult

Sometimes, sending a hand-written letter or speaking on the phone for an hour feels overwhelming amidst our busy schedules. But how about a quick text? If you have an older adult in your life who regularly uses their cell phone, consider sending them a “Thinking of you!” text with a selection of your favorite 5-10 photos from the past month. If you’d like to go the extra mile, you might consider captioning each image as if you’re formatting an Instagram feed just for them.

2. Send an email to a mentor or teacher 

While this suggestion is not exclusive to older mentors or teachers, it’s a lovely way to extend a hand and share a bit of your story with someone from your past. Do you have a baseball coach or middle school teacher who supported you during your childhood? Perhaps a professor from college you haven’t spoken to in many years? Consider sending an email to say hello and express gratitude for their impact on your life.

3. Ask a parent or grandparent to tell you a story

Ah, storytelling! A magical, connective intergenerational tool. When was the last time you called a parent, grandparent, or loved one and simply asked them to tell you a story? “I was thinking about you and was wondering: can you tell me about growing up in X town?” or “What is the funniest thing that has ever happened to you?”!

4.Teach an older adult about something you love

If you have the ability to spend time with an older person in your community, consider offering to teach them about something you know. Has this person seen that new BeReal app yet, or how it works? Have they ever edited a photo themselves on their camera roll? Additionally, it can be fun to share about your favorite new musicians or TV shows. Explore what you might have in common together!

5. Share a meal over the phone

While geographic distance and difficult circumstances like the pandemic may make it difficult to share a meal in close quarters with a beloved older adult, sharing lunch or dinner over the phone can be a fun way to connect! Consider setting aside a 30 minute or 1 hour chunk of time to call, FaceTime, or Zoom with an older adult over a shared meal. Bonus: share a recipe with each other beforehand and make the same breakfast, lunch, or dinner!

6. Press play on a short workout video together

If you live in the same household as an older person or are able to meet with them face-to-face, this can be an extremely fun way to get moving. There are tons of great workout videos on Youtube generated for an older population: some that require a bit more movement (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ev6yE55kYGw) and others that only require a chair (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Ts-deSDnRM). Why not play some fun music while working out, too?

7. Write a holiday or gratitude letter

If you love writing or drawing, this is a lovely way to connect with individuals in your community. Find a senior living community near you and call ahead to see if their activity coordinator or manager is a) available to accept however many hand-written letters you would like to craft and b) has any logistical specifications when writing or delivering the letters. By yourself or with friends, sit down and craft a few letters using hopeful, warm language. Don’t be afraid to bring out crayons or colored markers!

If you would like additional support with this process, GlamourGals is an amazing volunteering organization that has letter-writing resources. In fact, their “My Dear Friend” initiative has supported over 70,000 older adults already! If you are interested in getting in touch with their team, refer to the link below.

8. Volunteer at a local senior center

Lastly, consider volunteering your time (and/or talents!) at a local senior center or senior living community. As a high schooler, I was able to call a nearby assisted living facility to offer my time playing the piano for the residents during their lunch hour. Depending on your interests, you could offer to play music, help with arts and crafts, engage in conversation with residents, etc. Get creative with it and have fun!


Links & References

GlamourGals Organization: https://www.glamourgals.org/get-involved/professionals

Fakoya, O. A., McCorry, N. K., & Donnelly, M. (2020). Loneliness and social isolation interventions for older adults: A

scoping review of reviews. BMC Public Health, 20(1), 1–14. https://doi.org/10.1186/s12889-020-8251-6

National Academies of Sciences, Engineering, and Medicine. (2020). Social Isolation and Loneliness in Older Adults: 

Opportunities for the Health Care System. Washington, DC: The National Academies Press.

https://doi.org/10.17226/25663

U.S. Census Bureau. (n.d.). S0103 - POPULATION 65 YEARS AND OVER IN THE UNITED STATES. U.S.

Department of Commerce. Retrieved October 7, 2022, from https://data.census.gov/cedsci/table?q=s0103

Relational Empowerment

Relational Empowerment

By: Christine Webster, LMFT

Relationships are complicated. What definitely does not help is how often we are inundated with messages about what they should or shouldn’t be. Your partner should be your best friend and fulfill all of your needs. You shouldn’t be too dependent on your partner, lest you end up in a codependent relationship. Your partner should be able to effortlessly heal you. If your partner loves you, they should know what you want and need without being told. Relationships should be hard work but also shouldn’t be that hard. You shouldn’t ever have doubts or feel unhappy. 

By placing the emphasis on finding the ‘right’ person we shift the responsibility of how the relationship functions to them and their ‘rightness’. If they were the right person for us then they wouldn’t make us feel bad. They would bring out the best parts of us effortlessly with little to no conflict. We wouldn’t have to examine our own internal processes. As bell hooks eloquently explains, “False notions of love teach us that this is the place where we will feel no pain, where we will be in a state of constant bliss. We have to expose the falseness of these beliefs to see and accept the reality that suffering and pain do not end when we begin to love.” When we feel distressed we often want to place blame externally to protect ourselves. We want the hurt to go away. As Pema Chodron writes, “It [blame] is a very common, ancient, well-perfected device for trying to feel better. Blame others. Blaming is a way to protect our hearts, to try to protect what is soft and open and tender in ourselves.” 

This is not to say that fit isn’t important in choosing a partner. It definitely is. But even in very healthy and positive relationships we will feel hurt, disconnected or activated at times. Those feelings are an inevitability. So what if we looked at that truth as an opportunity to learn and grow both personally and within our relationships? A few of my favorite authors on relationships and compassion speak to this pretty directly:

The fact that our partner triggers us is not a bad thing- we are here to learn lessons, and our partner is a great tor-mentor.  

-Richard Schwartz


Those events and people in our lives who trigger our unresolved issues could be regarded as good news. We don’t have to go hunting for anything...This very moment is the perfect teacher, and, lucky for us, it’s with us wherever we are. 

-Pema Chödrön


Repair is an opportunity, not just a necessary recovery from a rupture. 

-Mona Fishbane


When conflict arises within us or between us and other individuals when we walk on love’s path, it is disheartening...many people fear getting trapped in a bond that is not working, so they flee at the onset of conflict. Pain may be the threshold they must cross to partake of love’s bliss. Running from the pain, they never know the fullness of love’s pleasure.

-bell hooks

So how do we learn to utilize these opportunities? Richard Schwartz recommends a U-turn. A shift in focus to your own inner world and the many parts of you that make up the whole. We can become the primary caretakers of our own complex and dynamic inner workings which frees up our partner to help us heal instead of being our healer. We can intentionally and non-judgmentally observe our inner worlds. We can strive to understand these internal patterns and narratives and not blame ourselves for them. Kristin Neff explores how this can open up new pathways to growth and change. She says, “Mindfulness provides incredible freedom, because it means we don’t have to believe every passing thought or emotion as real and true...We can question the accuracy of our perceptions and ask if our thoughts and emotions need to be taken quite so seriously...Mindfulness provides us with the opportunity to respond rather than simply react.” I fully acknowledge that this, as I often say to my clients, is much easier said than done. 

Mona Fishbane breaks this inherent difficulty down a bit more, “Many of our emotional upsets are activated quickly, beneath awareness. But then our higher brain gets in the act, trying to explain our emotional reactivity; we create a narrative that may or may not reflect how we actually became upset. We seek to explain-and often justify- our emotional, automatic behavior.” Instead of trying to justify our emotional responses, we can identify our own reactivity to break the cycle of blame. We can take this process from implicit to explicit and from automatic to intentional so we can work with it in a more compassionate way. None of this is meant to say that we alone bear the full responsibility of our relationships being successful. We co-create dynamics and patterns and ultimately we are both responsible for our part in dismantling them. Understanding this can facilitate empowerment in our relationships. We can focus on self-soothing and turning compassion inwards to take care of ourselves in difficult moments. This allows us to more productively express our vulnerabilities to our partners which in turn allows them to lower their defenses so they can hear and respond to our pain more effectively. Our partners are able to be more receptive when they don’t feel the weight of our blame or the need to fix us themselves.

I can’t resist one last Pema Chödrön quote:

“Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It's a relationship between equals. Only when we know our own darkness well can we be present with the darkness of others. Compassion becomes real when we recognize our shared humanity.”

Resources/References

The Places that Scare You by Pema Chödrön

When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chödrön

Loving with the Brain in Mind by Mona Fishbane

Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff

All About Love by bell hooks

You Are the One You’ve Been Waiting For by Richard C. Schwartz


Photo by Andre Furtado: https://www.pexels.com/photo/man-and-woman-sitting-on-bench-1417255/

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