The Antidote to Shame: A Musing about “Hard Feelings” with Jennette McCurdy
I’m about twenty minutes into my commute home from the office. Since I was a child, I’ve had this maladaptive coping mechanism that I can’t seem to get a handle on. At the end of each day, I replay all of the interactions of the day in my head with harsh and judgemental commentary from my inner critic. That thing you said to your client was stupid. You didn’t send those emails like you were supposed to. You haven’t completed your notes for the day. That person doesn’t like you. You stained your blouse again. <insert a dozen other perceived mistakes here>. It’s what I like to call my “Shame Spiral”. It is honestly pretty terrible and makes my anxiety worse, but I can’t seem to snap myself out of it today. Or most days, honestly.
“I’ve been thinking about shame,” a voice announces through the speakers of my Prius.
Me too, I answer back silently in my head, grateful for the metaphorical hand extended to me so I can escape my introspective scolding. I shift back to the present with a start. I’m listening to Jennette McCurdy’s new podcast, “Hard Feelings”. I have been looking forward to listening since she announced the project a couple months ago. The synchronicity of the first episode’s topic and my own predicament are enough to make me pause. Maybe I’m not so alone in my shame after all, a small voice inside me thinks.
Jennette shares her struggle with shame as she has navigated the huge success of her memoir, “I’m Glad My Mom Died”, while also recognizing that she still had more inner work to do to heal those inner wounds from her past. She explores how she still carries the shame of being known for a character that she played as a child. Everytime the name of the show or character is mentioned, she feels her body flooded with shame and fear. She hoped that the book’s success would be her antidote, by completely outshining the memory that she played that character from her fans' minds. “I don't have to carry that shame of my past. Finally, I can be known for something that I do as an adult. (McCurdy, 2023)” For a little while, Jennette said, this worked. “I didn't feel ashamed for weeks, maybe even months. I thought like it's gone, baby, we're good. No more shame (McCurdy, 2023). Months later, she was doing a book tour at UCSD. She was answering a vulnerable question and a member of the audience interrupted her to shout a stereotypical line from an old character she used to play. It all came flooding back. The shame was so intense that it triggered a fight-or-flight response for Jennette immediately. By amazing willpower and grace, she was able to vocalize her feelings of hurt at the interruption and continue the talk, but it left a lasting impression on her. She realized that the shame still existed inside her, and that there was more work needed to be done.
Jennette quickly booked a session with her therapist. During the session, Jennette is understandably frustrated and confused by the idea that her fans still remember her as a character, and don’t see the true Jennette, even after all this time. She asks her therapist with true fervor and yearning “When will it be enough for them to get past (character name)?”. Her therapist replies “When will it be enough for you to get past (her)?” (McCurdy, 2023)
That’s what we therapists like to call an “Aha!” moment.
I pause because there is a timely commercial break. I think of that question in terms of my own shame. When will it be enough for me to stop tearing myself down? The answer is there almost instantly. When I choose to love myself instead, despite my mistakes. Because shame, at its core, is an emotion that makes us feel that our true selves are unworthy of love and acceptance. It makes us feel that there is something inherently wrong at our core that makes us “other”. It doesn’t really serve a purpose other than chiseling away at the pieces of ourselves that society, the superego, or inner critic deem unacceptable. Shame lies to us, telling us that our normal mistakes or past reactions are egregious sins, and makes us smaller and takes us further from our authentic selves. So the answer is to reject shame instead, and fully embrace our repressed parts. Much easier said than done, I know.
It can also be important to understand how the shame came to be, whether it was through childhood experiences, societal pressures, trauma or distorted core beliefs, so we can fully explore the parts we rejected and work on accepting them. Jennette speaks about this as well, how much of her shame is tied to the rejection of her true self by her mother, who only valued her as the character she played on TV. In the present, Jennette is working on integrating the knowledge that this was her mother’s insecurities being projected onto her, and it wasn’t her fault. A child just wants to be loved as they are, there is nothing shameful about that. Jennette deserved love then and deserves it now too. Just like we all do.
I feel like Jennette is showing us a blueprint for healing shame with her podcast. As she continues to share vulnerable pieces of herself with the world, she models self-acceptance to her audience. She models emotional literacy and introspective exploration. She shows that when we shine a light on shame (or other difficult emotions), other people join in, and we realize that we aren’t alone in our struggle. I’ve seen how many people resonate with her podcast through social media. Everyone feels this way at some point in their lives. People are excited and eager that these topics are being discussed on a larger scale. It is desperately needed. The more we talk about shame in an open way, the less power it holds over us. The more people who speak about it, the less isolating shame becomes. Once we free ourselves from its grasp, we can work on the journey towards becoming our whole authentic selves. That is how we heal from shame. By bringing it into awareness, conversation and infusing understanding into it.
Jennette signs off her podcast with a refreshing statement. “I'll keep processing it and I'm gonna try and figure it out” (McCurdy, 2023). I resonate with this sentiment a lot. That’s the best any of us can do right? We just need to keep trying, keep striving towards understanding ourselves. It takes time to unravel all the complexities within us and that’s okay. Shifting the language we speak to ourselves takes practice, but is also important in healing shame. On the rest of the commute home, I make a conscious effort to look at my mistakes with a lens of understanding; I forgot to send that email… but I sent it within twenty four hours and it wasn’t urgent. So, that’s fine I guess. I said something stupid in one of my sessions? That’s okay too. I doubt my client noticed, and if they did, we could just laugh at it together. I can get that stain out with a tide pen.
I also gave myself a big hug. That helped.. I’ll keep processing and trying to figure it out too, Jennette. In the meantime, I am trying to follow her example. I hope that by putting some of my own vulnerability out into the world, by sharing my own struggles with shame, maybe someone reading this feels less alone in theirs. I know that’s what Jennette’s podcast has done for me. If it isn’t clear from this post, I highly recommend taking a good long listen to “Hard Feelings” during your next commute. The episodes continue to be thought provoking, insightful and delightfully funny. I know I’ll be listening.
Note: I specifically decided not to use the name of the character Jennette used to play, as she mentions in her podcast it is upsetting to her to hear or see the name, in consideration for her feelings if she ever were to read this.
Citations:
McCurdy, J. (2023, Oct 24). Shame (No.1) [Audio podcast episode]. In Hard Feelings. https://lemonada.lnk.to/Vng2xe Lemonada Media
