Individual Therapy vs. Couples Therapy – Which one? (Anonymous Q&A Response)
We had a question that was submitted asking, “My question is, should I look at going to therapy by myself, with her, or not at all and work it out with her?” This reader did preface that they had a fight that entailed them pushing each other's buttons and the fight escalating due to them reacting to each other's reactions.
Firstly, any kind of therapy is going to be more helpful than no therapy. In this specific instance, it does seem like there's a systematic issue with their dynamic's communication patterns, which would argue for couples therapy. However, seeking individual therapy to supplement couples' work would also benefit each party considering how distressing the relationship can be, and it could also just generally be beneficial as another outlet to process and release emotions, too (rather than trying to contain it all inside and/or sourcing it to just your partner).
In general, for the average client, when it comes to the kind of therapy you'd like to pursue (e.g. individual therapy, couples therapy, family therapy, co-parenting therapy, etc.), it might be helpful to organize your thoughts and feelings to focus on what you're currently experiencing, what you're hoping to experience/have changed, and what you're willing to change for yourself. Using that reader's case as an example, we can imagine that they're potentially experiencing a lot of stress and confusion as to feeling so disconnected from their partner, perhaps they'd like to feel more confident with engaging with their partner as well as feeling less alone with their distress, and maybe they're willing to learn new communication and reflection/attunement skills. These goals would be reasons for both couples therapy and individual therapy in that regard. Even if the situation were different where their partner helps validate and reassures them, but their fights seem to about them having difficulty keeping their partner close, having both couples and individual therapy can still benefit both parties – especially if the goals and motivation are the same.
Ultimately, it boils down to what you're wanting and willing to work on, but generally individual therapy is applicable and appropriate more times than not. Even if you're still confused or uncertain about what your goals are, that's more than normal and acceptable - you can always talk to a professional to figure out your goals and/or if you want goals. Seeking support can be intimidating and overwhelming – especially with the uncertainty and novelty of the experience. That is to be expected, especially since it's part of the process. However, by choosing to get support despite those emotional obstacles is good practice in helping your (inner) feelings and needs be heard, which is usually the thematic want in the majority of people's goals. So help yourself feel heard by hearing yourself and getting support (perhaps start with individual therapy) and see if more support can further your journey. Good luck!
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