"My relationship is starting to get abusive and toxic." (Anonymous Q&A Response)
A recent query was posed to our anonymous blog Q&A : “My relationship is starting to get abusive and toxic.”
Indications of abuse and toxicity are the red flags everyone should pay the most attention to in a relationship. This may sound obvious, but abuse can be subtle. Partners can be loving and caring and still act in harmful ways. Not all abuse is big, loud, and obvious – small actions can cause a lot of damage, especially built up over time. And behaviors don’t need to be intentional for them to be abusive. It may be tough to catch on to problematic behaviors. When it comes to the pros and cons of staying in a relationship, generally give indications of abuse more weight than you think you should (maybe even a lot more).
If you are wondering about behaviors, or just being proactive, here are some indications of abuse in relationships from the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence:
https://ncadv.org/do-you-think-youre-being-abused
https://ncadv.org/signs-of-abuse
If any of the above signs start to feel familiar, consider the fact that you do not need to stay in any relationship. Your first responsibility is to yourself and your happiness and safety. You do not inherently owe your partner any effort to fix or correct their abusive interactions and behaviors. You can leave. Not everyone will understand your actions, but you do not have to endure anything you don’t wish to endure. And while many people have the ability to change, you don’t need to stick around for it.
Leaving is not always easy, of course, when control and threats of violence are involved. Please consider connecting with a Domestic Violence Agency for assistance in gaining immediate safety and planning a safe exit from a home or relationship:
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233
https://www.thehotline.org/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=organic&utm_campaign=domestic_violence
If you’ve weighed your pros and cons and feel there is enough to salvage and hold on to in your relationship, there may be some things to try. It may be possible to educate your partner around their behaviors, the ways they impact you, and the ways in which you prefer to be treated.
Begin with making “I-statements” about how you feel, what you see, and what you prefer in relationships. For example, “I feel hurt when you use that language to describe me”; “I get anxious when your voice rises in traffic”; or, “I get embarrassed when we fight in public… I prefer to have conversations in private… Can we wait to talk about this?”. A good I-statement takes blame and accusations toward your partner out of the equation and focuses the conversation on your needs. Hopefully, this can provide education to your partner, awareness of the impact of their behaviors, and motivation to change in order to be more caring and supportive of your needs. If your partner appears to not care, dismisses your comments, or can’t seem to make any changes – consider adding weight to this red flag when evaluating pros and cons in your relationship.
Another strategy is to be more firm with your boundaries and preferences. As mentioned, through “I-statements” you can teach your partner what you need and what you are willing to tolerate. You can inform your partner that you will leave the room if they become too loud in a situation, that you will not discuss a topic unless they can control their criticisms, or that you will hang up if they won’t let you share your thoughts too. For example, “I’ve asked you several times to try and speak softer to me in public. I don’t feel like you have. I’m going to leave now. I’m looking forward to watching TV with you later, when we are both relaxed, and we can try to talk about all this again tomorrow in private.” You don’t always need to leave the relationship, if you are able to leave certain situations. Plenty of good elements can exist in a relationship to enjoy, but you may need a plan for avoiding the less desirable parts as well. If you are attempting to set limits and boundaries and your partner continues to push through them, consider that an especially heavy negative on the relationship scale.
Begin to consider friends or family you may be able to spend time with, should you feel a need to get distance or safety from your partner. For example, if you feel a need to leave a restaurant and don’t feel that home is the best place to be yet – have some options of where to go in mind. Similarly, plan to carry extra money or have a credit card on you in case you need to leave an outing on your own. Try not to trap yourself in an uncomfortable situation because your partner was the one who drove. Again – if your partner cannot respect your autonomy or your attempts to establish boundaries, that’s a problem to consider.
There can be significant benefit to working with a couples counselor to assist with communication, boundary setting, I-statements, and effective ways to take Time Outs in relationships. Counseling can help establish protocol for how to manage difficult situations, talk about what took place, and find ways for reconnection. Additionally, each partner may benefit from individual therapy in order to better understand triggers and personal behaviors, as well as with developing more effective ways to communicate feelings, preferences, and needs. Please note - if there is active physical abuse occurring in the relationship, then couples counseling is not indicated in that situation, and immediate action should be taken to separate for the time being, and seek safety and individual counseling before considering whether to come back together again.
People can change. People can learn. Sometimes it’s quick, but usually it takes a bit of time. You may wish to see what abusive behaviors can change through communication and counseling, and there may be good reasons to try. Be mindful of how long you wait and what you are willing to endure, however. You are still a good person, even if you don’t wish to try. Safety first.
