Is it Worth Fighting For? (Anonymous Q&A Response)
We recently had a reader submit the following to our anonymous blog Q&A section:
“My question is, although he says he loves and cares for me, does that actually count in truth? Especially when he says that he no longer wants to put in the effort to work things out and find solutions? Should we just break up or take a break? What does it even mean to take a break? I do have so many questions and every day it hurts because I really care for and love this person but I also don't like feeling like I am not worth fighting for, and just overall feeling bad sometimes.”
This reader summarized their situation as one where they’ve been feeling inadequate for their partner, especially when their partner’s liking certain photos on other people’s social media and his pornography usage. Then when this reader tries to bring up their frustrations to their partner, the partner explains that he doesn’t feel as motivated to put in the effort to try in the relationship, “because he has been [putting in effort] so for so long and that he just doesn't really care anymore.”
First and foremost, thank you so much for submitting your question. This is such a common dynamic that I think a lot of readers here can deeply relate. I do want to preface that everyone’s situations are unique and delicate to their specific dynamic, and I also don’t know this reader’s entire full picture. What I’m seeing so far though is this very common cycle between person A feeling inadequate (this could mean feeling not good enough or wanted enough), which usually has an underlying fear of being abandoned. Person A’s experience then impacts person B’s experience where they might end up feeling a deep sense of inadequacy (e.g. they’re not doing enough), which usually has an underlying fear that they’re not acceptable for who they are (i.e. fear of rejection), and they might then withdraw (e.g. try less since what they’re trying isn’t good enough anyway). This withdrawal/silence/space then feeds person A’s possible fear of abandonment and so on and so forth. As you can see, it would be incredibly easy – and expected – for us to fall in and be stuck in this feedback loop from hell.
So what do you do?
Identifying and naming your specific cycle together is a helpful step. Recognizing what’s going on can help ground us away from the cycle, especially when it’s incredibly easy and tempting for us to sweep it under the rug and stick to status quo.
Then, it may be helpful to reflect on how we’re both individually feeling about this machine that we both feed: Do we feel sad? Do we feel justified? Do we feel embarrassed? Do we feel regret? I’m encouraging that introspection mainly for a reflection on what your individual and couple’s goals may be after recognizing what’s actually going on. It’s possible that person A’s needs would be to feel connected and secure enough so that they no longer worry about being abandoned, and it’s possible that person B’s needs would be to feel appreciated enough so that they no longer need to worry about feeling as helpless, inadequate, rejected. If that’s applicable, then perhaps it would be helpful for person A to temporarily self-sooth their anxious experience and re-channel that energy to help person B feel more confident in the relationship (I’d recommend a lot of reassurances and compliments), and as person B feels more motivated to emotionally invest, then person B can use their more charged emotional battery to validate and empathize with person A’s emotional struggles, especially since they also know what it feels like to feel inadequate!
Simply, a lot of the time, person A just wants to feel understood and person B wants to feel like they’re doing a good job/they’re accepted. Of course, each couple’s situation’s a bit more nuanced than that and that’s why reflecting on what we may want too is important. Getting a therapist can help elucidate that for us as well.
This leads me to the question I took away from the reader’s submission. Reader, I’d imagine that it’s a very lonely, scary, and even confusing experience not to feel good enough for your partner when maybe you have felt that way with him before. It probably adds more pain to the mix when you’re frequently exposed to comparing yourself to these other girls on social media and porn too. Like you said, you’re hurting everyday! You not only need to feel like you’re good enough, but you deserve it too. As you asked about whether his love’s real despite his lack of efforts, I thought about how it truly can be difficult to differentiate between if a person’s disinterested because they’re just withdrawn and need help feeling motivated to be interested again or if it’s because they genuinely are too emotionally far gone. It’s hard to say, honestly. I’ve seen people change and it would actually be surprisingly beautiful for me to witness, I’ve seen people struggle to be that vulnerable but still loved their partner, and I’ve seen people who actually both didn’t want to change and admitted that they lost their love for their partner too. It’s a scary conversation to have, but if either or both of your needs are still unmet after trying to put in the work, then that’s also a conversation that needs to be had too. As scary as it is though, I believe that you’d be indirectly meeting your needs by having such a (temporarily) difficult conversation.
But first, try to put in the work. Prioritize your mental health and coping skills, help uplift your partner’s, and maybe seek external support to help guide you both on getting off the hamster wheel. It’s a lot of work, but 100% worth it for your mental health.
Thank you again for sharing your story and good luck!
Photo by Ann H: https://www.pexels.com/photo/sign-texture-typography-school-11082254/
