Look at Yourself in a New Light: A Thought Experiment You Can Try Right Now
Self-love: it’s a term you hear everywhere these days. But what are we really talking about here? What does it really feel like to love yourself? Maybe it reminds you of those other terms therapists seem to talk about a lot, like self-acceptance or self-compassion. Or maybe it makes you think of a funny news article you read about a recent trend called sologamy, people marrying themselves--you may wonder, are those people real embodiments of self-love, or are they taking it a little too far? You’re not alone if you’re unsure what self-love really means, or if the idea of loving yourself makes you uncomfortable. Maybe it contradicts your cultural or religious values, or maybe it just sounds selfish. Today, though, I’m going to ask you to open your mind, because I’m on a mission. I want to try to open you up to what self-love really feels like. Don’t worry-- I’m not claiming that I have a recipe to get you to love yourself forever by the end of this. What I will do is ask you to join me in an experiment, with no right or wrong outcome. My intention is simply to have you consider a new way of looking at yourself.
As a starting point I wanted to offer a clear, evidence-based definition of self-love. This task proved more challenging than expected. While searching through peer-reviewed journals for a definition of “self-love,” a lot of the results are actually about narcissism. It seems that Aristotle coined the terms self-love and other-love, with self-love defined as a preference for self over others, a trait seen as evidence for the inherent selfishness of human nature (1). Maybe this has something to do with our tendency to feel uncomfortable about self-love, and to view it as selfish. This definition of self-love as a preference for self over others seems a bit black and white, though. If we dig further into psychological research for some help in finding a more nuanced definition of self-love for modern humans, we won’t find much. There’s research about self-esteem(2) and self-compassion(3), but there seems to be no operationalized definition for self-love. Of course, it makes sense that it’s challenging, maybe impossible, to create a standardized definition for a concept as nebulous as self-love. If there are love languages for how we express and receive love with others (4,5), there must be differences in the way each of us would love ourselves.
That’s why rather than searching for other’s definitions or trying to create a definition for you, I want to try and open you up to what your kind of self-love feels like. If all this talk about loving yourself feels uncomfortable, or maybe a little cheesy, I get it. What do you think this reaction is about? Notice what comes up for you, and acknowledge it. Ask these feelings or thoughts to step aside for a moment, so that you can try something new without your self-consciousness breathing over your shoulder. Give yourself permission to join me in an experiment right now. Remember, we’re not looking for a specific outcome, I will just ask you to notice how you feel as you give this a shot.
1. First, I want to try jumping off from a familiar starting point. Many of us naturally and without a second thought give our love and support to those close to us. Some of us will even devote vast amounts of time and energy in order to do this. Fewer of us know how to, or even think about directing some of this incredible human energy and warmth toward ourselves. I want you to think of the most cherished, safe, trusting relationship you have with another person in your life. This could be a best friend, partner, parent, or someone else. I want you to close your eyes and picture your person sitting in front of you. They are looking into your eyes and you see that they are sad, you know they need comfort.
a. How do you show them the tenderness, the depth of your care for them?
b. What words, looks, or gestures do you share with them?
c. Notice how their face changes as you offer them your love... notice how it feels for you to give this love...linger on this feeling…
2. Now I’m going to ask you to test the waters, to see what it’s like to try and direct some of this natural, human power towards yourself. Picture yourself as a kid, it helps if you pick a specific age, maybe an age you were when something hard happened to you. I picture myself at 11 years old; shy, perceptive, sensitive as all hell, and battling my own version of an evil stepmother who saw me, quite literally, as the red-headed stepchild. Bonus if you can pull up a picture of yourself to look at, I like to use this one. Close your eyes and imagine that the kid version of you is sitting right in front of you, looking up into your eyes. Think of their innocence, their earnestness, their awkwardness.
a. What is kid you missing? What do they need to hear from the present day you? The you that has grown wiser, that knows how to make better sense out of the wild world we find ourselves in.
b. Imagine how you today would show your care, affection, and understanding for that confused, overwhelmed kid...how does their face change as you talk to them, hold them, comfort them…linger on this image…
3. Finally, I’m going to challenge you to see what it’s like to experiment going somewhere new with yourself. Stand alone in front of a mirror. Remind any self-consciousness or skepticism to give you some space for now, they can come hang out later if they insist. Look at yourself in the mirror. But not the way you usually do, like checking how you look or using a critical eye.
a. I want you to look into your own eyes with an intention to genuinely connect, in the same way you would with your most trusted person. I want you to truly see yourself, and the soul that looks through those eyes of yours.
b. Remember all of that powerful, real human love that you have to share with others. Remember that vulnerable, sincere kid that lives on in you, deep, deep down.
c. Look at yourself with that same gentleness, concern, and empathy that you give out as a natural, human gift. Look into those eyes of yours, and try to share some with yourself. However it feels right... linger here…longer….
. . . . . .
How did it feel? What I have asked you to do is not easy by any means, and you’re brave for being willing to consider yourself in a new light. You might have felt some resistance, or maybe a lot. This doesn’t mean the experiment was a failure, it means you tried out a new perspective, and you can learn about yourself from it, in a seriously intimate way. This gives us the chance to look at two important things:
1. What was hard? Which parts were uncomfortable? Which parts did you find yourself reacting to (e.g. “I’m not actually going to do that, Laura”)? Which parts of what I asked you to imagine were the hardest of all? If you felt something blocking you, what do you think it is?
2. What felt good? Which part of this was the easiest for you to think about? Was there a part of you that felt quietly warmed by some of what you pictured? Maybe you couldn’t help but smile, just a little, at yourself in the mirror.
In the end, I don’t believe there is any guide or solution to finding eternal self-love. What I do believe is that us normal, every day human beings are capable of creating our own self-love, no matter how small the moment or fleeting the feeling, when we give ourselves permission to shine the warmth of our own light, inwards. You’re worth it. Really.
(1). Aristotle (350 BC/1925) The Nicomachean ethics. Oxford University Press, New York.
(2). Heatherton, T., & Wyland, C. L. (2003). Assessing self-esteem. In S. J. Lopez & C. R. Snyder (Eds.), Positive psychological assessment: A handbook of models and measures (pp. 219–233). Washington, DC: American Psychological Association.
(3). Germer, C. K., & Neff, K. D. (2013). Self-Compassion in Clinical Practice. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 69(8), 856–867. doi: 10.1002/jclp.22021
(4). Chapman, G. (2010). The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate. Chicago, IL: Northfield Publishing.
(5). Egbert, N., & Polk, D. (2006). Speaking the Language of Relational Maintenance: A Validity Test of Chapmans (1992) Five Love Languages. Communication Research Reports, 23(1), 19–26. doi: 10.1080/17464090500535822
