It’s Okay that You’re Not at Your Best
I was talking with a client recently about just how much is on her plate, and she said to me, “But I’ve always been good at juggling multiple things.” She was so frustrated that she wasn’t doing as well as she used to. I replied, “I bet you are still amazing at juggling. But it’s as if before you were juggling 3-4 regular balls and doing pretty well, but then you had to juggle blindfolded, and then the balls changed to bowling balls, and then the bowling balls were set on fire.” We started talking about how juggling right now isn't the same at all, and the increased struggle has nothing to do with her lack of effort or ability, and everything to do with reduced capacity and increased external stress. Life right now for most of us feels like juggling flaming bowling balls while blindfolded. It’s not easy, it’s painful, and while we are still capable and amazing human beings, we simply can’t operate at our best right now.
I want you to know that not only is it okay to not be at your best, but you are in the company of millions. Everyone is operating below optimal, and I mean EVERYONE…even the people who seem to have it together. It can be easy to think that because we’ve been living with this uncertainty and unrest for several months, or because we don’t actively think about it every moment, that we aren’t still affected. But we are affected…every minute of every day. It’s like when you have an App running in the background on your phone…you may not even notice it’s there, but it’s still draining energy. This drain, or reduced capacity, can show up in many ways. It may show up in anxious or depressed thoughts, unexpected or more intense emotions, relationship strain, less restful sleep or strange dreams, lower energy and motivation, or general and persistent low mood. We are living through a collective trauma, and we carry trauma in our bodies, so you may also notice a host of physiological symptoms ranging from general tiredness, to skin issues, weight gain/loss, headaches, and more. Like juggling those flaming bowling balls…this is HARD. Experiencing any or all of these symptoms is not a sign of weakness, it is evidence of the pervasive and persistent effects of living through this time.
When we are under extreme stress we tend to want to either go into overdrive to correct things, or get overwhelmed and shut down. And either way, we usually do a heck of a lot of judging ourselves as we do it… “Why am I so tired? Why can’t I do more? Why aren’t I doing better? So-and-so has it together, why don’t I? What’s wrong with me?” Sheesh…it’s exhausting. We also like to plan and prepare as a way to prevent future pain. In balance, planning and preparation is helpful. Out of balance, it can look like what I described above: going into overdrive and setting lofty or extensive goals, and/or getting overwhelmed and shutting down completely. And as winter approaches and Covid-related restrictions increase again, a lot of people are at risk for one of those two extremes.
So, what do we do? We keep it simple. Stay focused on a few simple tools that can help you gently care for yourself as you go through a trying time. Here are a few suggestions:
· Do one thing that makes you feel good each day. It doesn’t have to be a big thing, just any thing that makes you feel good. Maybe it’s making a meal, or maybe it’s taking a hot shower or bath, or listening to a favorite piece of music. Do it and savor the pleasing sensation. If you are someone who makes to-do lists, add it to your list. Taking care of ourselves should be a priority.
· Celebrate the little things. No matter the size of the moment or accomplishment, notice it and give yourself credit. There might be days that getting out of bed at all feels like a monumental effort. So, when you get out of bed, notice your effort and celebrate it. Whatever you accomplish, applaud yourself. Say it out loud, write it down, tell a friend or family member…and resist the urge to add “at least” or “only.” Don’t diminish your effort; every effort counts.
· Talk back to your Inner Critic. Ugh…those inner critics are such jerks, aren’t they?! They love to steal our joy with their judgment. When you notice that nagging voice that is judging your small accomplishment, questioning your energy level, or comparing yourself to others or a past version of you, put up your hand and talk back. When my inner critic shows up and says emphatically, “Why are you so tired??? Why aren’t you up yet??” I talk back and let it know that I am tired because I’m living in a pandemic and I simply need more rest. It’s amazing how the tension in my body releases with this simple exchange. If it helps, externalize your inner critic’s voice and imagine if another person was to say to you what your inner critic is saying. Sometimes this makes it easier to recognize how harsh it is. What might you say back? How can you ask them to back off?
· Move your body. Any way, at any speed, for any amount of time. Moving your body doesn’t have to be an intense workout or a workout at all. The mood-improving benefits of exercise are achieved with easy paced walking. So just move in whatever way feels good to you.
· Plan social interaction. From extrovert to introvert, human beings are all built for connection and benefit from some level of social interaction. To help reduce the negative impact of isolation, plan for some amount of social interaction. You don’t have to plan extensive events or long Zoom calls, even a short exchange with a friend, or an intentional conversation with your partner can be helpful.
· Practice quiet time. Whatever way feels good to you, take time to enjoy peace and quiet. Mindfulness, meditation, and prayer are options, as are quiet walks outdoors, or just sitting in a quiet space. Taking time to turn the volume down can bring our minds and bodies relief.
· Set boundaries on your news and social media consumption. Whether you want to take a total break, or limit the time or pages you interact with, noticing how you feel when you are online and adjusting your consumption accordingly can made a big difference in your mood.
· Focus on what you can control. Life is full of things out of our control. And that is especially true right now. When we are immersed in what we can’t control we feel overwhelmed and powerless. When we shift back to what we can control, we are more able to identify helpful action and tap into our strength and capability. When all else fails, the one thing we can always control is our breath. Tune into your breathing and take a few thoughtful deep inhales and exhales to refocus on what is in your control.
· Take one day at a time. Or one moment, or one minute, or one breath. A marathon is run one step at a time. We can’t know exactly how we will feel at mile 25, and we can’t jump from mile 1 to that moment, all we can do is put one foot in front of the other and celebrate each step or mile along the way. As my mom always says, “don’t borrow trouble from tomorrow,” we are better able to handle the now when we aren’t consumed with trying to carry the future.
Remember, you don’t have to do everything on this list, perhaps just pick a couple that resonate with you and give them a try. And if you find yourself struggling, that’s okay. Success is defined as trying, not mastery, and good enough is good enough. We have survived a winter before, and we have survived several months of a pandemic…we just haven’t done both together, but the fact that we have survived each tells me we are capable. Be kind to yourself. You may not be at your best at this moment, but a moment doesn’t define you. Strength, resilience, and capability are not defined by a moment. It’s okay if you’re not mastering juggling five flaming bowling balls while blindfolded, you’re still a good juggler. :)
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