CCRC staff therapist Anikó Blake is featured in this great article on how to merge households. Check it out!

https://www.redfin.com/blog/how-to-merge-households/

Mi Casa Es Su Casa: Expert-Approved Tips on How to Harmoniously Merge Households

August 10, 2022 by Hannah Tan

Whether you’re moving in with a significant other to your new apartment in Chicago or beginning life as newlyweds, merging households can be a big test for any relationship. From under-the-breath comments about questionable decorating choices to butting heads on different housekeeping styles, putting two individuals with years of having their own space together and expecting one happy home seems effortless in thought but complicated in practice.

However, before you throw in the towel and accept that the disagreements are all part of the process, there are organizational decisions you can work through ahead of time to pave the way for a smoother transition and achieve a harmonious household. We reached out to experts for their advice on making two households one, so you can learn to navigate the common challenges of combining households and be amply prepared before the big move.

Communicating and setting boundaries

1) Have a conversation beforehand to plan room schemes

Before moving into your new space, discuss and decide how to divide the spaces you’ll share — for example, addressing who gets which closet and which drawers in the bathroom or dresser. It’s essential to recognize that you will likely have your own organizational style and respect each other’s space. –happy.healthy.home.

2) Set the ground rules ahead of time

It’s important to have discussions on organizational expectations before moving in together. If you each have different preferences on how to keep your personal space organized, that’s okay; maintain respect for that difference. You can decide together which shared spaces are to be kept neutral (remember to clarify what neutral means) and what personal areas can be allotted to the person who does okay with less order. –Lovage Somatics Intimacy & Relationship Coaching, SEP

3) Be open-minded and get clear about your expectations

Before moving in, discuss your needs and what’s important about your home space. Try to think about what irks you the most about sharing space and work out compromises. Many people identify their “home” values, such as having a comfortable and organized space. What does that mean? One person can be meticulous and want everything in its place. Another can tolerate clutter person and not dirt or leaving dishes in the sink. 

For example, in my first marriage, my husband was very organized and neat, while I’m considered a “visual creative clutter” person. I like to see things out. We agreed that our shared space would remain neat and organized, and I had one room to be my “clutter or my stuff room” that I could keep as I saw fit. This was a room where the door could be closed so house guests would not see my stuff. But if you need extra help, seek out an organizer to help with combining households since they often have great ideas about how to set up a household in an organized fashion before moving in. Having a plan that both people participate in creating will help avoid any confrontations in the future.-Dating and Relationship Coach Amy Schoen –Dating and Relationship Coach Amy Schoen

4) Respect each other’s boundaries

Don’t move in and start moving things around where no one can find anything but you. Work as a team and respect your partner’s organizing style so this can be a happy and fun transition. –In Its Place Professional Organizing

5) Handle differences gently

Consider what helps you feel safe and comfortable in your home and distinguish between what you prefer and what you need. You may need the bathroom towels re-hung after use but how they’re hung is a preference. Make sure to discuss with your partner how you want to delegate roles and responsibilities in your home and create a proactive plan for when one of you may need extra support. Develop loving gestures that offer small but additive ways of caring for each other, such as making sure the cabinet is stocked with your partner’s favorite snack or your partner learning your preferred way of folding laundry. –Anikó Blake, LMFT | Chicago Center for Relationship Counseling

6) Communicate, communicate, communicate

Sharing space can be such a contentious issue. What’s important to you may not be important to your partner. Remember, they’re not mind readers, no matter how many times you think you’ve told them something. When you share anything (space, a snack, the playlist on the road trip etc.), we can’t always have it our way. Choose three things essential to you about shared space and clearly, specifically ask for them. Use “I statements” – this is how I feel and need. First, say why it’s important to you, and then tell your partner what behavior or action you need. Finish with “Will that work for you?”. Listen to what they need to accommodate your ask and listen to their asks. –Claudia Aronowitz Coaching

7) Shift your mindset 

Compromise is a bad word in the long run, so the trick is shifting your emotional center from your physical space to your personal habits and your very being. By making yourself your rock, you are better able to partner on the many decisions of organizing a home because these little things no longer matter as much for your emotional wellbeing. -Peter Kowalke, Kowalke Coaching

Preparing for the merge

8) Learn how to navigate each other’s preferences

The healthiest relationships are interdependent—maintaining an intentional balance between nurturing the relationship and preserving individuality. Cohabitating couples thrive when they apply a parallel model to their physical space, blending some areas or design aspects while creating spaces that support and celebrate each partner’s unique authenticity. –Aspen Relationship Institute

9) Edit your belongings and share responsibilities

Decluttering is always the first step to having a tidy and organized home. Only keep the things you’ll need in your new home and eliminate everything else. Also, take the time to find a home or place for every item when unpacking. This is a task that both partners should do so everyone knows where everything goes. Lastly, and most importantly, setting clear boundaries and expectations about chores and other household responsibilities will set you up for success. This allows you and your partner to be equally responsible for running the household smoothly and keeping it clean and tidy without burdening one partner with all the responsibilities. –In-Style Organizing

10) Be clear from the start about your dealbreakers and be flexible on the rest

Setting clear expectations helps avoid arguments and resentment later. Do I love that my kitchen looks like it was visited by the spirits in Poltergeist, with every cabinet left open every time my husband makes dinner? No. But I can deal with it because he is funny, smart, and a great cook, and he respects my actual dealbreakers, like not leaving wet food in the sink. I recommend deciding from the beginning who does what and when. Do you each do your laundry, or is it one person’s responsibility? How often does it get done? Who is responsible for putting it away, and how quickly do you expect it to get put away? –Custom Order Home Organizing

Merging the physical space

11) Commit to an easy-to-follow organizing routine

We all have different versions of what makes us comfortable in our environment; some may feel better with a surplus of items, while others may feel more comfortable with fewer items. What’s important is the ability to be organized individually and create a functional space with your partner where you both feel comfortable and stress-free. Getting organized with these strategies will improve your potential anxiety, organizing routine as a couple, and bring peace and organization to mutual areas. Try using space bags for off-season items in under-bed storage and color-coordinated hangers in the closet to create a visually appealing, space-saving closet. Also, keeping labeled baskets and creating a sentimental storage container for each person helps you to rid the clutter so that you can love your space. Implementing these techniques won’t cause a financial burden and will alleviate the difficulty of cohabiting in your relationship. –Organize Lite

12) Mirror shared spaces and downsize

Where possible, try to mirror shared spaces. For example, try splitting it evenly down the middle for items under a bathroom sink or closet and use labeled baskets to corral your items. Combine items that aren’t going to be used every day by putting backpacks, duffel bags, luggage, and over-the-counter medications in the same place. You can also utilize hidden space at the top or bottom of a closet, cabinet, pantry, or cubby to add inexpensive wire shelves which increase your organizational real estate. –Organize With Anne

13) Make labeling a habit

Labeling everything is the secret to maintaining an organization system when sharing a home. Everyone has a different idea of where things belong. By assigning a labeled home for your items, you take the guesswork out of where to put things back. Everyone returns the item to the same place, and no fights erupt over a cluttered or messy home. –SOS Home Organization

14) When in doubt, don’t be afraid to call in the pros

Opposites attract, including different organizational styles. Getting a neutral third party involved can sometimes save a relationship on the rocks over clutter when you’re at the end of your rope. The right professional organizer can set up functional, cohesive, and sustainable systems that are a happy medium for any couple. –The Grit Method

CCRC founder & president, Josh Hetherington, is interviewed for this great article on rekindling friendships, particularly as the world is opening up from the pandemic. Check it out!

https://www.mic.com/p/a-therapists-guide-to-rekindling-a-broken-friendship-82267527

A therapist's guide to rekindling a broken friendship

By Alex Williamson

June 23, 2021

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From age 21 to roughly 26, my most significant relationship was with a friend we’ll call Maria. To say our lives were enmeshed is an understatement. We lived together, worked together, went to school together, and took vacations together. We fought like lovers and made up almost instantly. Our text chat was an endless feed of every amusing thought or minor irritation we experienced throughout the day. At some point, she even started receiving junk mail addressed to Maria Williamson, because marketers apparently got the idea that we had formed a civil union and gave her my last name.

I’m now 32 and living on the east coast, while Maria is in the midwest. We see each other when I’m in town, but that only happens about once a year, in non-COVID times. Our text chat still lights up on occasion, but it’s not the nonstop dialogue that it used to be.

Growing apart is a natural part of the friendship life cycle, but it’s not something we have to passively accept if we want our relationships to remain close. It can get a little more complex if the friendship falls apart over a conflict.

Even when one half of a friendship does something seemingly unforgivable (hooks up with your ex, for instance), it’s still possible to reconcile if both sides are willing to put in the work. And why not? Having high-quality friends around can reduce our stress, help us cope with reversals like breakups or job losses, and contribute to our overall happiness.

As we emerge from our pandemic pods and begin to see a wider range of people, the degree to which certain friendships have deteriorated may come as a surprise. According to Josh Hetherington, a licensed marriage and family therapist at the Chicago Center for Relationship Counseling, many people reacted to the trauma of the past year by drawing their closest friends closer, while allowing more distant relationships to atrophy. “I think everybody was really clinging to their inner circle during this time, and then the people that were on the next level out, people that you like and enjoy and that make your life rich, sort of didn’t make the cut,” says Hetherington.

If you didn’t bother checking in with a friend during the pandemic — and let's agree that many of were spread pretty thin, emotionally — they may be feeling a little neglected. It might feel daunting to reach out and ask them to grab a beer, but this shouldn’t deter you. It’s as simple as identifying the friendship you want to rekindle and expressing from the heart your desire to do so, Hetherington says. “My suggestion is to approach it from that place of ‘I've missed you!’ If you got a flattering message from somebody like that, it would probably be hard to have a defensive reaction,” he says.

But before reaching out, you may want to think about why you let the friendship slide in the first place. It’s possible the relationship wasn’t as satisfying as you remember, or that the other person had qualities that wore on you, causing a subconscious distancing response on your part. When we’re not in contact with someone for a long time, nostalgia for the best parts of the relationship can grow, crowding out more realistic memories of how it actually made us feel in the moment, according to New York City-based clinical psychologist Michael Brustein. “Often, people find that they’re not sure why they didn’t contact someone for awhile, and then when they do get together, the mystery kind of unravels,” he tells Mic. “Distance creates idealization.”

If you do decide to re-establish contact, Brustein agrees that the best way to do so is by authentically expressing your appreciation for the other person and acknowledging the role you played in the friendship’s slide. This could be as simple as texting, “Sorry I’ve been out of touch lately, but I’ve been thinking about you and I’d love to catch up soon.”

“It’s uncomfortable owning your part of it, and also expressing your vulnerability and desire to connect with them, but that’s really the best way to reignite it,” says Brustein. Of course, friendships that have been damaged by a falling out require a different approach to mend. It’s difficult to move forward with a friend when you’ve hurt each others’ feelings, but having a fight is not in itself a sign that the friendship is a bad one. In fact, it may mean just the opposite, and conflict may be a chance to make the friendship stronger than before.

“Conflict is a sign of depth. If you’re willing to have a fight with a friend, it means you’re close to that friend,” says Hetherington. “So there’s a lot to be gained from having the conflict, and then from repairing. Friendships get deeper through this tear-and-repair process.”

“Conflict is a sign of depth. If you’re willing to have a fight with a friend, it means you’re close to that friend."

After a “tear,” when enough time has passed to let anger subside, Hetherington advises approaching the friend with an apology as a sort of offering. In deciding what to include in your apology, consider your impact on your friend, and forget about your intent. Find one or two things that you honestly regret and say that you’re sorry, without any “buts.” For instance, instead of saying, “I’m sorry I offended you, but that wasn’t my intention,” you should simply say, “I realized what I did was wrong, it offended you and I’m sorry.”

“Your impact is what makes a difference in relationships and you have to take responsibility for that. Your intentions really just show up as a bunch of ‘buts,’” says Hetherington. Accept that your apology may not be automatically reciprocated, even if you feel it should be. You can take responsibility for your part in a fight, but you can’t control whether your friend will take responsibility for theirs.

“This isn’t a transactional quid-pro-quo,” says Hetherington. “They don’t have to forgive you right away, but the process of stepping to somebody with a really decent apology, that can really pave the way for forgiveness.”

When is it time to walk away instead of repairing? If a friend consistently puts you down, behaves abusively toward you, or leaves you feeling drained, it may be time to reconsider the relationship.

A lot of conflict between friends actually comes down to unrealistic expectations, Brustein says. Different friends play different roles in our lives, and those roles shift and change as we age. For instance, if you have a baby, your child-free friends may not be the best people for venting about your new-parent woes.

“I often compare it to basketball, where there's one Lebron James. If you have a friend who can play all the different positions like an all-star basketball player, that's great. But for the most part, people have certain strengths and weaknesses, and I think that often difficulties come from putting friends in roles that they're not best suited for,” says Brustein.

As we grow and move in different directions, it’s unrealistic and unfair to expect any one friend to meet all of your needs. For me, that means accepting that Maria’s new role in my life is just fine as it is. We still have fun when we see each other, and we have endless reminders of the many years we spent as each others’ Lebron James.

“OMG!” she texted me when I told her about this article. “My mom says I still get Maria Williamson mail.”

HEALING AS A COMMUNITY:

A BIPOC SUPPORT AND PROCESS GROUP

• Group Objective: Psychoeducation of trauma mixed with people sharing their stories of racism/racial trauma and identity development through creative arts. I want a space for people to feel heard and seen. I will discuss holiday scheduling as we get closer to account for vacations/time off people may need.

• Group Facilitator: Michelle Ahmed, AMFT

• Duration of group: 8 weeks long

• Date and time of virtual meeting: Thursdays at 5:30 pm or Sundays at 11 am

• Start date: April 15th or 18th

• Duration of meeting: 75 mins

• Cost per session: Your copay if you have BCBS PPO, Aetna PPO, United Healthcare or $45 out of pocket

• Contact for More information or to Apply:

  • Michelle Ahmed, AMFT: michelleahmedmft@gmail.com

Please see these important messages and updates regarding COVID-19/Coronavirus and CCRC.

Latest Update: 3/9/2020

CCRC therapist Teresa D’Astice is interviewed for this great article on couples over the holidays. Check it out!!

Register today to join NCRC and Jennifer McComb for an interactive discussion about sexual desire issues in men on Friday March 17 from 9-12.