The Power of Bad: How The Negativity Effect Rules Us and How We Can Rule It
In The Power of Bad , authors John Tierney and Roy F. Baumeister lay out some of the intense ways that we respond to “bad” feedback more strongly than “good” feedback. Two of the best examples they explore are the negativity bias and the Fundamental Attribution Error.
Negativity Bias
The negativity bias is pretty simple. We are more focused on events that make us feel angry, sad, hurt, threatened, than we are on events that make us feel happy, joyful, proud, calm, and delighted. There is a pretty clear evolutionary value in paying more attention to the scary/bad experiences in life then the ones that bring us happiness and joy. On the primordial savanna it was important to know where the predators lived, what they sounded like, how they smelled, and what their habits were. This knowledge kept us alive. How tasty a type of berry was, or how beautiful a sunset looked was not as critical to survival. If we missed the aesthetic value of a sunset we may be a little bummed out. If we missed the signs that a tiger was stalking us, we’d be dead. So, our brain is tuned to paying attention to fearful threats to our wellbeing. This is the negativity bias.
Fundamental Attribution Error
The Fundamental Attribution Error occurs when we see something more globally than it may actually be. When our partner doesn’t do the dishes and we experience this as a sign of our partner’s character flaws, and put this event on a list of other slights we may be making the fundamental attribution error. The event may be related to a context happening outside of us. It may have nothing to do with us. Our partner may have skipped the dishes because they wanted to connect with us after dinner and planned to do the dishes in the morning. The Fundamental Attribution Error causes us to see the event in a personalized, global, hopeless way. And sadly, the authors found that it only happens for negative events. We don’t automatically collect examples of our partners triumphs and kindnesses and attribute them to their excellent character traits, hard work or personal growth. If we see our partners doing something nice, we may instead find a way to attribute it to something WE have helped them with or assisted in! Selfish humans!
Intentions Versus Impact
Conflicts related to intentions versus impacts are loaded with both of these phenomena. It is very easy to defend your intentions when the impact of your actions caused hurt in your partner. This defense of intentions can be caused by the Fundamental Attribution Error and made worse by the negativity bias.
Here’s an example:
I thought my wife wanted to be recognized as a strong, independent woman who didn’t need flowers on Valentine’s Day to prove that she was beautiful and worthy of my love. My intention in not getting her flowers was to show her that she could stand alone and be valuable without my validation and that I would love her and be inspired by her strength and independence, even on her worst day. And, that Valentine’s Day is capitalism at its worst!
The impact of not getting her flowers was hurt feelings. She felt rejected. Not only did she feel rejected, she made the Fundamental Attribution Error and assumed that I didn’t love her and that this was another example of me being emotionally distant and, in fact, maybe we were “not meant to be”.
These feelings were intensely negative! They felt to her like a tiger on the savanna! My emotional ineptitude was a major threat to her well being and her brain registered me as the enemy. Her negativity bias caused her to use all of her emotional and cognitive resources to protect herself from me. I was the enemy! She lashed out with anger to protect her vulnerable, hurt parts.
I saw her anger and sadness and immediately wanted to defend my intentions. I was trying to celebrate her strength, after all! I committed the Fundamental attribution error by telling myself that she was a needy moving target. This went on my list of times when I was trying and acting and still not getting it right. I felt hopeless and helpless.
My negativity bias kicked in and I saw her anger and sadness as a threat. She was going to rage on me, like a tiger on the savanna! I was going to need to withdraw or else I’d be destroyed.
How can we manage this?
I need to take responsibility for the impact of the choice to not get her flowers and ignore my intentions. I need to apologize for the impact and acknowledge the reality of it over the reality of my intentions. She was really hurt. That is what happened!
We both benefit from noticing the negativity bias in our lives and the power of the Fundamental Attribution Error. Seeing these forces, noticing them all the time, allows us to make other choices. We can see more nuance if we don’t listen to our fears as they creep out of the primordial savanna. It’s only me, not a tiger!
Take responsibility for your impact! If you notice yourself defending your intentions (“that’s not what I meant!”, “you’re not understanding me!”, “what I said was….”) then you need to take a look at your impact.
And, use your understanding of the negativity bias and the Fundamental Attribution Error to make your choices thoughtfully. Don’t keep it to yourself. Check out your thoughts with your partner to see what they really want from you. You’re different people with different needs. Don’t just act based on the “Golden Rule”, do unto others as you would have done unto you. Instead, act on the “Platinum Rule”, do unto others as they want done unto themselves.
